Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Printable View
Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of us who know seniors, and to all of us who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh.
http://ca.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/down...Inbox&inline=1r
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, sh*t, so that's why no one was at church today."
The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really
are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and
she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde
women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
You'll love this...
I know you will...
.
.
.
.
.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The
doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge
pile-up on the freeway.
"You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your
penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build
a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly
$1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide
how many inches you want. But this is something you should
discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a
nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine
incher before and you decide to only Invest in a five incher now,
she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays
a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with
your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life .....remember ......
http://ca.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/down...Inbox&inline=1
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have writtenan impressive new book. It's called ........'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drinkand be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope andyour boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
11. Definition of a teenager?God's punishment . . . For enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...Be who you are and say what you feel!Because those that matter... don't mind!And those that mind...don't matter!
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top quotes in corporate America.
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
( Lykes Lines-Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. "That would be better for me," he said.
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
.
Eino, a Finlander from northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."
Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched......
There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye!"
.
Menopause Jewelry (from my wiffy!!!)
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States or Canada. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
Bruce started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
Was perking, he shaved with his Electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRILANKA),
Designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
And tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
He sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
To see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN)
To the radio
(MADE IN INDIA)
He got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY)
Filled it with GAS,
(From Saudi Arabia)
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer
(made in MALAYSIA),
John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL),
Poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
And turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA)
And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in America. And now he's hoping he can get help from his ”President”
(MADE IN KENYA)
Republicans in Hell
While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
Nascar News
Raleigh, NC
Jeff Gordon announced last week that he was firing his entire pit crew. This
announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of a government sponsored
TARP funded project designed to train and employ unemployed LA gang members. The
decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed
youth from LA were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment; whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with
millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent
and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the
pits.
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice
session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6
seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, and within 24
seconds had altered the VIN number, and within 2 minutes had sold and delivered the
car to Dale Ernhart, Jr., for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of
Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY ‚
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
http://ca.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/down...Inbox&inline=1
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, single malt scotch, and martinis into urine.
Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."
I didn't see that one coming.....
Fitzwilly, you ain't right!!!:LOL:...CR:3dSMILE:
An Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning-briefing to all
of his staff. While waiting for the coffee-machine to finish its
brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He
explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and
therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was
'work', and how much of it was pure 'pleasure'?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favor of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favor of 'pleasure',
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the private who
was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion ?
Without any hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure, Sir."
The N..C.O. was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said "And
why is that, soldier" ?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them, Sir".
`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,. -:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
Must see remakes of some of the great classics!
Thought this was a joke page, not current events....:whacked:
Oh lighten up-- Current events are a joke!!
I laughed so hard tears were running down my cheeks, wait a minute, I think they're real tears.
.....and speaking of current events - here is a high level jokster:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQeNikp1Rj8
Bill is in Haiti,let the fun begin!:rolleyes:
That's funny!:D:D..especially Dorothy!!!.CR
The Silent Generation are people born before 1946.
The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1959.
Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1979.
Generation Y are people born between 1980 and now.
Why do we call the last one generation Y?
I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below...Learned something new today!! :-)
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON
THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly
payments of $860.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's
mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and, of course,
the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water for the ducks
to focus on, something for the decoys to float in.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can
produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of
dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while
trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along
with
the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:
They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the
GUNS, and the DOG...?
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained
Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed
and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just
as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at
the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused, and then continues on. Another shot,
and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator
The men continue to scream as they run.
The red-hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end; he
yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his
master.
Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! !
The truck is destroyed and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the
two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened"
looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to
make the first of those $860.00 a month payments.
The dog is okay . . .doing fine.
And you thought Rednecks only live in the South...
Wow!.. They're not rednecks, just STUPID! **)Glad the dog made out OK!..CR
In order to get the joke - you have to understand the Newfie language
Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week..
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"
PSYCHOPATH TEST
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is just as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister..
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?[Give this some thought before you answer.........see answer below]
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you...
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your crazy ass off my e-mail list!
Her name is: Five Horses
This is mythical and deep... Truly beautiful...
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean .. . .
. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
When a 17 yr old gets the nick name of "speedy" gets for be 67 yrs old means something entirely different.:rolleyes::LOL::LOL::LOL:
A duck hunter was out on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, he woke up on a hospital bed. His doctor said,"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Its that time of the year again!!:CRY:
The Last Nickel
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds she yanks them vigorously and the boy convulses violently then coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before; it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."
Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The
robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's
your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about
physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but
he is curious... So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender
says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot
makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR,
Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks
he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot
says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot
brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 60."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you
voted for Obama?"
Oh My Goodness - now I don't care where you're from - that's funny (and my IQ is 165+)...