lmfao:D :D
Printable View
lmfao:D :D
The Dog's Diary
8:00am Dog food! My Favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort
of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps my going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them,
I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this
would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However,
they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary
confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear noises and smell the food.
I overheard that my confinement was due to the 'power of allergies'. I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving
around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than
willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him
communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now……………
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.
seems a warm fuzzie story is needed .. it`s a known fact that women are much better at practical thinking than are men but we cant help it .. it`s in our genes ... many millions years ago throg was sent to get some grizzly bear meat by his wife .. he went and after much struggles he finally clubbed a big one to death and cut it up and came proudly home with tons of meat .. the little woman met him at the door and promptly began the bitching .. where are the bones she ask ? no need bones said throg .. cant eat bones .. little wife said .. dumba$$ .. we can make tools and weapons from the bones .. then she asked .. where is the skin ?? throg says why we need skin .. cant eat skin .. the woman says .. we can make clothes to cover our naked bodies and keep us warm during the cold nites stupidhead .. not need clothes says throg .. got plenty of body hair .. little wife says .. yeah .. too much body hair in some places pee-wee .... then she commands throg to go get another grizzly and this time bring home the whole bear .. practical thinking ... so throg does this and instead of killing the beast he just knocks it out.. as soon as he drags it in the cave the little woman says .. you got it rite finally you big goof .. but as soon as she got near enuff throg woke up the grizzly and tossed it on his wife and it promply ate her up .. then throg says to his wifes little sister ..you throgs new woman now .. you get any brite ideas ..you keep them to yourself..
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a rural rancher. One morning, on
his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The
artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in
the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?'
After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk past cow after
cow and when she finally sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one.... right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another dumb blonde,
the man asks, 'Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to
be bred?'
'That's simple: By the nail over its stall,' Amy says.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
For those who love the philosophy
of hypocrisy and ambiguity!
* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
* If a mute person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them??
* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
* If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
* Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
* If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented
Jack was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
" No, but I will for the faucet."
... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
This about says it all....
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President' is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t .
You have to have some Military experience to truly understand....
______________________________
The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Navy Seabees was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure? The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A LT. said it was 50-50%. The CO's Aide, a LTJG., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the CO turned to the Second Class Petty Officer who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With no hesitation, the young PO2 responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The CO was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir, began the PO2, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
I'VE HAD DAYS LIKE THIS FOR SURE !:LOL:
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! :CRY:
George went to a psychiatrist.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'
'I'll sleep on it,' said George.
Six months later the doctor met George on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.
'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A Redneck cured me for $10 and a quart. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a Redneck cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!'
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi fuzzball.
He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a squarehead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We'd come into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.:LOL: :LOL:
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the
locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big,
stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants and, worst of
all, no public restrooms.
However, after all those Guinnesses, he really has to go. He finds a
narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings
and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who
says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to
go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me".
He leads the American through a back delivery alley to a gate, which he
opens.
"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured
hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since
he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more
comfortable.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really
decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No, sir." replied the bobby. "That is what we call the French Embassy."
LETTER FROM A FARM KID
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there 's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Alice
:LOL:
:toocool:
:LOL:
:toocool:
Smart kid! :LOL:
:toocool:
Lord of The???????????:LOL:
It took him three movies to destroy jewelry, but now he's back to steal it all.**)
:toocool:
When a Redneck wins the lotto........:LOL:
:toocool:
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.?? AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it stupid," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make
to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as...
PINO MORE :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife
tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, 'I will need
a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
'What did he say?'
The wife yells back to him, 'Give him your underwear!'
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. We got to a difficult hole and both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them. While I was looking around. I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's behind.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that...
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding
time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't
feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said
that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little
girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.
'Well,' the father asked, 'did you enjoy your ride with mommy?'
'Oh yes, Daddy' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single dumb b*stard or lousy sh*t head!'
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant
outside the Toronto immigration offices.
"My good man," the fairy said, "I've been told to grant you three
wishes since you just arrived in Canada with your wife and three
children."
The man told the fairy. "Well, where I come from we don't have good
teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
"What else?" asked the fairy, "two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three
car garage in Markham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of
my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them
all over here."
PING!
In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three
car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale
neighbourhood.
"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like a Canadian. With Canadian
clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like Canadians."
PING!
The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Blue Jays T-shirt
and a Maple Leaf baseball cap. However, he had his bad teeth back and
the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"
THIS IS GOOD .......
The fairy said "Tough luck, Jack. Now that you are a Canadian, you
have to fend for yourself." And she disappeared!
Looks like the Washington State University Vet program really dropped a bomb this time....
They started out doing a Hybrid Salmon project and crossed a
Muskie with a Koho and a Walleye and ended up with a Kowalski.
The project failed cuz the damn thing couldn't figure out how to swim and drowned.
DT.
PS...Sorry!
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "Oh, that's my pet rooster, Roscoe. Wherever I go Roscoe goes." "I am sorry sir," said the ticket agent "we can't allow Animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Roscoe could stick his head out and watch it.
Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "i think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry a bout it," said marge,
"Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all" "I thought so too," said Mildred,
"but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped to a whisper, "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine! And she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary
Katherine! For shame!! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's
constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat. "And so it is," she replied,
"When she sees me, she's gonna sh*t."
NO SEX SINCE 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached
the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally
the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and
quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She
took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Wisdom of Larry The Cable Guy . .
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in
the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck
happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
:toocool:
bought me new place today :p http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d1...ck-mansion.jpg
we dont hunt a lot of squirrels in alabama :HMMM:
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d1...at_guys_do.jpg
Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..."
Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you.:D :D
She was Soooooooo Blonde ...
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' she wrote 'Sagittarius.'
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics'
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate.'
* She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' she turned around and went home.
She was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.'
AND MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE:
She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company .
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
Alzheimer's Test:
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can
read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years
of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now, go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
I betcha' you can't resist passing this one on!
A brunette walks into a bar and says, ''Gimme an M L.'' The bartender says, " What's an M L?'' She says, '' A Miller Light.''
Another Brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L.'' The bartender says, ''What's a B L?"
She says, ''Bud Light.''
A blonde walks in and says, ''Gimme a 15.'' The bar tender says,'' What's a fifteen?'' She says,'' 7&7, duh!"
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when
you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair."
DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing
quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."