Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Last night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital ICU.There were tubes up my nose and down my throat, and machines monitoring my every function.
I had a horrible pain in my head over my left ear, but I managed to hear the gorgeous nurse hovering over me tell me that I had been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down, Sir".
I managed to mumble in reply ,well .. " Can I feel your tits, then?"

Norwegian husband, Olef, sent a text message to his wife one night that read:
“Lena, I’m having 1 more beer with Sven.”
“If I’m not home in 1 hour .... read this message again.”
Olef

"Duct Tape, the Handyman's Secret Weapon !"

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202763511232620

Truth: Recently the Houston Independent School District has directed four schools to change the name of their mascots. They are the Lamar High School Redskins, Westbury High School Rebels, Hamilton Middle School Indians and Welch Middle School Warriors. Source: Channel 9 Fox News.

Rumor: I have also heard that there are lots of people still complaining about the name of the NFL team, The Washington Redskins, and rumor has it that their Administrative Office is seriously considering changing their name to Redskins because of Public pressure.

LOVE the guy on the phone! Scrooge... lol and the santa at the end too!

Yeah, old Scrooge is a ulcer candidate for sure - - - - even "I" wouldn't scream at a Piano hahahahahaha - - - but he made us smile and didn't even know it !

Very cleaver

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.

The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......

."For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

A clipping from a local paper in the UK....
Parking Lot Mechanic.jpg

Roger that one gave me a good chuckle!

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.


"So", he says to them:


"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."

"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Thames."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says ,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have '
accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the friggin arsehole had a paper route!"

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a**hole before prison... .'"

YEP! That was a good one!