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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #61
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Ten Commandments For The Car Collector:

    Written by Donald Peterson for the Feb. 1979 issue of Car Collector Magazine.

    1) Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments.
    2) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger.
    3) Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's Toyota.
    4) Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.
    5) Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.
    6) Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47 Plymouth.
    7) Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.
    8) Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.
    9) Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.
    10) Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas. Ten Commandments For The Car Collector
    drive it like ya stole it

  2. #62
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    Doctor's Orders


    Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

    The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

    The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

    His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead
    drive it like ya stole it

  3. #63
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    A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and an old drunk at the end of the bar says in a slurd voice, "Where'd ya get that pig." The lady promptly responds, "It's not a pig it's a duck." The old man says, "I know, that's who I was speaking to."

    A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."! (effect enhanced with an complimentory rimshot)

    What do a Harley and Hoover vacuum have in common?
    The dirtbag attched to the rear of it!
    (If I'm hated after that one I have no one to blame except my buddy who told it to me... I must admit I found it very funny.) A word of caution: Don't tell that one in a crowded bar during the Sturgis Harley fest. Still having a hard time seeing straight.
    "Now bring me those cheese sandwich appetizers you talked me out of."

  4. #64
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

    They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

    So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

    So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". he won!

    Mike
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  5. #65
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    Originally posted by lt1s10
    There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

    They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

    So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

    So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". he won!

    now that what I call a ball of gas
    drive it like ya stole it

  6. #66
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    Originally posted by john gemmer
    now that what I call a ball of gas

    He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

    know what that is john? thats an old geezer being born.
    Mike
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  7. #67
    DennyW is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Originally posted by lt1s10
    He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

    know what that is john? thats an old geezer being born.

  8. #68
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    A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
    Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
    "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
    Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was cripple
    Mike
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  9. #69
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    Originally posted by Streets
    You speakin' from experience LT1?? 'er did yer parents tell ya dat one!!!

    if the old fart fits.. then wear it.
    Last edited by lt1s10; 12-14-2004 at 06:01 PM.
    Mike
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  10. #70
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    Originally posted by Streets
    I always knew ya wuz a Fart Smellar LT1... 'er I meant "Smart Fellar"...
    i know what you meant. sometimes i think we both came from the same smart fart.
    Mike
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  11. #71
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    Man who fart in church sit in own pew. aw! another wise proverb man who fart in jar save on gas
    drive it like ya stole it

  12. #72
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    Do you know why bald men cut holes in there pockets so they can run there fingers through there hair
    drive it like ya stole it

  13. #73
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    Exclamation It always comes down to this....

     



    Why do conversations between men always come down to the subject of farts?
    You miss 100% of the shots you never take

  14. #74
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Re: It always comes down to this....

     



    Originally posted by Jerilynne1965
    Why do conversations between men always come down to the subject of farts?
    I do not no this I'm not worthy ask streets or mike they started it
    drive it like ya stole it

  15. #75
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    Re: It always comes down to this....

     



    Originally posted by Jerilynne1965
    Why do conversations between men always come down to the subject of farts?
    let me count the ways..... it takes less effort to do than anything else i know of.
    Mike
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