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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #61
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Re: It always comes down to this....

     



    Originally posted by Jerilynne1965
    Why do conversations between men always come down to the subject of farts?
    I do not no this I'm not worthy ask streets or mike they started it
    drive it like ya stole it

  2. #62
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Re: It always comes down to this....

     



    Originally posted by Jerilynne1965
    Why do conversations between men always come down to the subject of farts?
    let me count the ways..... it takes less effort to do than anything else i know of.
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  3. #63
    Jerilynne1965's Avatar
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    Smile I'll have to take your word for it ha ha!

     



    You sure wouldn't know that it takes LESS effort by the strained effort face I see frequently from the men around me ha ha!!!!
    You miss 100% of the shots you never take

  4. #64
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    Subject: The Pharmicist


    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door
    by his sobbing wife.

    Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He
    insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I
    had to call multiple times before he would even
    answer the phone.

    Immediately, the husband drove downtown to
    confront the druggist and demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two,
    the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen
    to my side of it.

    This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I
    was late getting up.

    I went without breakfast and hurried out to
    the car, just to realize that I locked the house
    with both house and car keys inside and had to
    break a window to get my keys.

    Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
    ticket.

    Later, when I was about three blocks from the
    store, I had a flat tire.
    When I finally got to the store there was a bunch
    of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store

    opened and started waiting on these people, and all
    the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

    He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels
    against the cash register drawer to make change,
    and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get
    down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels
    and the phone was still ringing.

    When I came up I cracked my head on the open
    cash drawer, which made me stagger back against
    a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
    Half of them hit the floor and broke.

    Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let
    up,
    and I finally got back to answer it.

    It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use
    a rectal thermometer.

    And believe me mister, as God is my witness,
    all I did was tell her.
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  5. #65
    Oldf100fordman's Avatar
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    A three-year-old little boy was examining his
    testicles while taking a bath.


    "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

    Mama answered, "Not yet."
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  6. #66
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    Subject: Redneck Ghost Story




    A professor at the University of West Virginia was
    giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel
    for his audience, he asks ......

    "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
    About 90 students raise their hands.

    "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
    believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen
    a ghost?"
    About 40 students raise their hands.
    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take
    this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a
    ghost?"
    About 15 students raise their hands.
    "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
    3 students raise their hands.
    "That's fantastic! Now let me ask you one
    question further... " Have any of you ever made love
    to a ghost?"
    Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand. The
    professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all
    the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has
    ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got
    to come up here and tell us about your experience."
    The big redneck student replied with a nod and a
    grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When
    he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
    "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
    Billy Ray replied, "Sh*****t!!! From way back
    yonder, I thought you said Goats !"
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  7. #67
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

     



    Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
    A three-year-old little boy was examining his
    testicles while taking a bath.


    "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

    Mama answered, "Not yet."
    drive it like ya stole it

  8. #68
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    Re: I'll have to take your word for it ha ha!

     



    Originally posted by Jerilynne1965
    You sure wouldn't know that it takes LESS effort by the strained effort face I see frequently from the men around me ha ha!!!!
    i really don't know what to tell you jeri. i can tell this has been brothern you for awhile, but im just an old dumb ass mechanic on this board that happen to have gas sometimes, so you'll need to get someone smarter than me to explain the inter workings of braking wind. wish i could have been more help. your friend, mike





    ps- sure hope you can take a joke.
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  9. #69
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    Unhappy i will never be able to read all of these

     



    here are some more

    TECH: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    TECH: "What sort of trouble?"
    CUSTOMER: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    TECH: "Went away?"
    CUSTOMER: "They disappeared."
    TECH: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    CUSTOMER: "Nothing."
    TECH: "Nothing?"
    CUSTOMER: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    TECH: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    CUSTOMER: "How do I tell?"
    TECH: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
    CUSTOMER: "What's a sea-prompt?"
    TECH: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    CUSTOMER: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    TECH: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
    CUSTOMER: "What's a monitor?"
    TECH: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
    CUSTOMER: "I don't know."
    TECH: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
    CUSTOMER:..."Yes, I think so."
    TECH: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
    CUSTOMER: ......."Yes, it is."
    TECH: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
    CUSTOMER: "No."
    TECH: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    CUSTOMER: ......"Okay, here it is."
    TECH: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    CUSTOMER: "I can't reach."
    TECH: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
    CUSTOMER: "No."
    TECH: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
    CUSTOMER: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
    TECH: "Dark?"
    CUSTOMER: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
    TECH: "Well, turn on the office light then."
    CUSTOMER: "I can't."
    TECH: "No? Why not?"
    CUSTOMER: "Because there's a power outage."
    TECH: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
    CUSTOMER: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    TECH: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    CUSTOMER: "Really? Is it that bad?"
    TECH: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    CUSTOMER: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
    TECH: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


    here's another

    1. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".

    2.I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
    She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
    "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
    "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
    As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries . . . it's a long walk."

    3. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

    4.IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
    I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.


    Dan

    Home page http://www.danstrucks.4t.com

    dont have anything good to say/(type) dont say/(type) NOTHING AT ALL..........(figure out the rest)....

  10. #70
    drg84's Avatar
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    Gold, Common Sense and Fur

    >My husband and I had been happily (most of the time) married for five years, but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if He would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide. God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year, he blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.
    >
    >My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty. We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, "If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella."
    >
    >I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him.
    >
    >I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks. I tried to be understanding when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.
    >
    >When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.
    >
    >In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.
    >
    >While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother, I didn't even come close, I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God.
    >
    >I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too.
    >
    >Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."
    >
    >My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine. My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes."
    >
    >My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes." A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.
    >
    >I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived. My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."
    >
    >The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation. "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," Pastor Brian laughed, wiping tears from his eyes. "For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur."
    >
    >"My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.
    Right engine, Wrong Wheels

  11. #71
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    john this looks like you. i thought you was santa.
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  12. #72
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    Originally posted by lt1s10
    john this looks like you. i thought you was santa.
    Oh no you cought me I guess I better not quit my day job now you lady don't drool . Is it me or is there a draft in here
    drive it like ya stole it

  13. #73
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    Ahhh! It Burns!!!! Wheres that spoon? I need to gouge my eyes out now
    Right engine, Wrong Wheels

  14. #74
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    Originally posted by drg84
    Ahhh! It Burns!!!! Wheres that spoon? I need to gouge my eyes out now
    ho! !ho ho! no gift for you get a chunck of coal
    drive it like ya stole it

  15. #75
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    Originally posted by drg84
    Ahhh! It Burns!!!! Wheres that spoon? I need to gouge my eyes out now

    dito !
    "Whad'ya want for nuth'N, ..............aaa,rrrrrubber biscuit... ?"

    "bad spellers of the word untie ! "

    If your wondering how I'm doing I'm > " I'm still pick'N up the shinny stuff and passing open windows "

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