Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Two blondes are walking down the road, when one says, ''Look at that dog with one eye!''

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, ''Where?''

A GOOD CATHOLIC, an elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during World War II,a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic"

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way.

But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influance laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different carsbefore he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The rusults showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied. Tonight I'm the designated Decoy.

Joe and bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR. All of a sudden Joe says," I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months." Bill sips his beer and says," You better think it over, women like that are hard to find".

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. About $3.99 a minute

Q: Whats the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut ?
A: About two weeks.

Q: Why did the British car engineers put a Jaguar on the hood ?
A: So one a...ole could look at another. (modified from the old Mack Truck Bulldog joke)

FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP. . .

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. We

have always naively thought that it had something to do with
their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On her wedding

night, the husband scratches off the dot to see if he has won either a convenience store,

a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States!

An elderly gentleman went to a local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied,"Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut them into four pieces." The pharmacist said," Thats to small a dose.That won't get you through intimacy." The old fellow said," Oh, I'm past eighty years old and don't even think of intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute Blonde.
>
>He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've
>heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with
>your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
>
>The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
>guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
>"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
>
>"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
>you a question first. . . a horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
>stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a
>flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose
>that is?"
>
>The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
>
>"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
>discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"
>
>

I wonder if the dog will work on wives also...hehe

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well-endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window.

"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."



They took the bus

The doctor said, "Joe the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the presure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the presure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought," That's what I need...a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman," I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,"Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed,"Thats right how did you know."
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit..it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said,"sure."
The salseman eyed Joe and said,"Lets see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck." Joe was surprised. "Thats right how did you know?"
The salesman said, "Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underware?"
Joe thought for a moment and said,"Sure." The salesman said."Lets see... size 36."
Joe laughed, Ah ha! I got you, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit-$400 New shirt-$36 New underware- $6. Second opinion
PRICELESS

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature throught such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing? "she asked.
They'er mating he replyed.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

Thats a Daddy llonglegs her father answered

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" she asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs".

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,
"Well, we're not having any Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :cry: :cry: :cry: :lol: :lol: