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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3811
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    All these recollections remind me of my younger days and rights of passage.
    My father taught us lots of things, how to drive the tractor, change spark plugs, milk cows and many chores.
    He also taught us some fun things, one of which was swimming.
    How he showed me was to take me to the middle of the lake in a boat and threw me in.
    Learning to swim was easy, getting out of the sack was the tough part.
    NTFDAY, johnboy, JOATMON and 3 others like this.

  2. #3812
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
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    Two mafia men were out walking in the woods at night.
    One turns to t'other and says, "It's really dark in here, I'm getting a bit scared."
    "You're scared?" said the other gangster, "I've got to walk out of here alone!"
    NTFDAY, TOW'D and JOATMON like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  3. #3813
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.



    The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,
    as well as smoking and staying out late."

    The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"



    The man replied, "That would be my wife."
    NTFDAY, johnboy, stovens and 3 others like this.

  4. #3814
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I asked my mate if he could spell won ton backwards.
    He said: "Not now.
    NTFDAY, stovens, JOATMON and 3 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  5. #3815
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    A man goes skydiving for the first time.

    After listening to the instructor for what seems like hours, he is ready to go.

    Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.

    After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute.

    He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

    Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes.

    Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up really fast.

    Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”

    The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
    NTFDAY, johnboy, 34_40 and 2 others like this.

  6. #3816
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Two people are in hospital after eating lasagne containing 100% horse meat.

    They are said to be in a stable condition.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, JOATMON and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  7. #3817
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    My wife and I decided we don't want children...We'll be telling them tonight at dinner.
    NTFDAY, johnboy and JOATMON like this.

  8. #3818
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

    If I can't get white I'll drink red.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  9. #3819
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    Circle Flies

    An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
    "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
    "Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
    "I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
    "Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
    "Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."
    NTFDAY, johnboy, 34_40 and 3 others like this.

  10. #3820
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A Happy Christmas to all of you!

    In the immortal words of that great Christmas song "Release Moby Duck" it turns out I got it wrong as a kid and I was well over 50 before anyone corrected me!
    Must confess I got some strange looks over the years though.


    Santa Claus has the right idea.
    Visit family once a year and get out as quickly as you can.


    I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note saying "Toys not included."
    NTFDAY, 34_40, stovens and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  11. #3821
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    797

    A woman asks her husband in an agitated way, "You're not going to work? Why aren't you going to work?"
    he says "I don't feel like it. I'm going to lay in bed half the day then do whatever I want the rest of the day".
    He is just about back to sleep and the phone rings.
    He answers it. After a few seconds he says "How the hell would I know that? It's over 60 miles from here!"
    He hangs up and his wife asks a bit nervously "Who was that?"
    He says "Some idiot asking if the coast is clear".
    NTFDAY, 34_40, stovens and 2 others like this.

  12. #3822
    JOATMON's Avatar
    JOATMON is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Oldie but goodie........The elementary school teacher was holding up flash cards with the letters of the alphabet quizzing her students to give a word with that letter and spell it. In the class was the infamous "Little Johnny", yep, the one with the filthy mouth.
    As she started, Little Johnny would jump and raise his hand, but she knew she couldn't call on him. He might say Ass for A or Bitch for B. She got all the way up to R without calling on Little Johnny. The other students got stumped on the letter R, but Little Johnny knew a word and jumped up and down with his hand up. Since she couldn't think of a single bad word that started with R she called on him. Little Johnny said, R as in rat, R A T, the teacher said very good Johnny, I'm proud of you.
    He said, yeah that rat was proud of his pecker because it was about thissss longggg........
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, stovens and 1 others like this.
    It's All Good

  13. #3823
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    I knew that joke as ... when the teacher calls on Jonny he says "A rat, a big F_ _ _in' Rat!
    NTFDAY, JOATMON and t-top havoc like this.

  14. #3824
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    Quote Originally Posted by 34_40 View Post
    I knew that joke as ... when the teacher calls on Jonny he says "A rat, a big F_ _ _in' Rat!
    Yep, with a D___ about this long. But I had to re-write it PG13, so I wouldn't offend anyone. LOL
    NTFDAY and t-top havoc like this.
    It's All Good

  15. #3825
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by JOATMON View Post
    Yep, with a D___ about this long. But I had to re-write it PG13, so I wouldn't offend anyone. LOL
    No, it ended with the rat. I heard and told that joke back in high school.. 50 years ago.. LOL.
    JOATMON likes this.

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