The Official Rules of Manhood:
The Official Rules of Manhood:
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>
> It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
>
> 1. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
> 2. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
> 3. After wrecking your boss' car.
> 4. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
> 5. When she is using her teeth.
>
> Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
>
> Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
>
> If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
>
> Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
> However, complaining is allowed if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
> No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
>
> On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
>
> When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
>
> You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.
> If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>
> It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.
>
> Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
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> Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
> Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, ever. Issue closed.
>
> If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
>
> Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>
> A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
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> Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.
>
> If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
>
> Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
>
> Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
>
> 1. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
> 2. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
> 3. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>
> Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
>
> Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
>
> The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
>
> It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive > yours.
>
> Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
>
> The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
>
> There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics, ever.
>
A Primer for Political Neophytes....
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Hope this brightened your day. I don't pass many around, only the good ones, and most of 'em ain't.