the Official CHR joke page duel

A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door and into the tool shed out the back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenters saw. The banged up cowboy was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut if off with that rusty damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said "Nope. I'm going to set this shed on fire and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!"

hahaha good ones

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all beenable to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before
him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July".

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains and tells the salesman, "I
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her
that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several
patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally
she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size
curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what
room are they for?" The blond tells him that they aren't for a room;
they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "but
Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo... I've got Windoooooows!!"
:eek: :cool:

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Damn it, Earl, for the FIFTH time..... I said CHICKEN!!!!!!!!"

Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything..."

hank

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lb.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

hank

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Subject: morning smile


The Twist
Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!

Warning, this is a little political, but funny nonetheless;)

this is "A" typical of what COULD happen. priceless.


ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008

This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in
2008 that we're not sure how funny this really is...

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your
national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr Sheehan. I see you live at 1742
Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office
number over at LincolnInsurance is 745-2302 and your cell
number is 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which
number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this
information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir.
This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your
All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors
indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely
high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't
allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure
you'll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from
your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the
suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones,
then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your
four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is
$49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in
cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before
your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash
ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes, sir.
If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're
out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle
can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments,
so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just
filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've
already got a July
4, 2003conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see
here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a
judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day
stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first
pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke..

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause
prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New
Constitution prohibits this.. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

With best wishes,

The Dog

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."

Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his catandsaid, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, had sex with the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for therest of the day on sick leave.. (this was sent to me by my cousin, an Iowa DOT employee. Hehehehe

> Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
> eighties and had never been married. She was admired
> for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon
> the pastor came to call on her and she showed him
> into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to
> have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing
> her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
> glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled
> with water. In the water floated, of all things, a
> condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they
> began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
> curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
> floater, but soon it got the better of him and he
> could no longer resist.
> "Miss Beatrice," he said. "I wonder if you would
> tell me about this?," pointing to the bowl.
> "Yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was
> walking through the park a few months ago and I
> found this little package on the ground. The
> directions said to place it on the organ, keep it
> wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
> Do you know I haven't had a cold all winter."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking as if he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little fella, O'Conner?" says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner, and a thing of beauty she was, but useless in a fight."



Happy St. Patricks Day

hank

And then there the two Irish gays. Patick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick. Hehehehehe. :p :LOL: :p :p

Hope this isn't a repost--it is still funny

Speeding in Tennessee
Two men are driving through Tennessee when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Tennessee, Boy" the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the trooper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that a-hole would've tried that crap with me!"

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he
wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll
remove one piece of clothing and throw it out the window.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

This a really funny link that Streets sent me via E-mail. It'll have you laughing. Make sure your sound is on. AmericanGreetings.com - Choose Your eCard


http://www.americangreetings.com/dis...ath=31871&st=c

Do you know the difference between in-laws and out-laws ? Outlaws are wanted.

Matt

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk
he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.
George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question
time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the f*#k happened to Billy?"

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had
a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up
for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."

An Asian guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars
and asked the teller "Why it change? Yestoday I get
two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get ahunat eighty?"

The teller says - "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says "Fluc you white guys too." :rolleyes:

An Iowan was doing some shopping in downtown Des Moines.

He looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump."

"Stop," he yelled. "Remember, you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything in the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife!"

"She divorced me and took everything I had that was not in the stock market."

"Your children, remember your children," yelled the Iowan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents, remember your parents," yelled the Iowan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then think of all the Cyclone football games you will miss," yelled the Iowan.

The man shouted, "But, I am a Hawkeye fan!"

The Iowan replied, "Jump, you dumb ass, JUMP!"

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cattle, the rancher says to Amy,

"The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. . . right here."



Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"



"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.



Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away!

hank

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied., and in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow.

Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said.

"That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, Wake up! You're sh*ttin' all over the bed!"

Quote:

---

Originally posted by TOW'D


"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away!

hank

---

TOW'D that was fantastic. I'd never heard that one ever before. Hehehehehehehe

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot it all and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory, you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!



Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?



Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives
**) **) :confused:

Irish Gas Station


Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya."
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jesus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"

:LOL:

cant believe i just read all these lmao, awesome jokes.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by DennyW
:LOL: Be careful what you tell the wife ! :LOL:

---

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: , that may be the funniest thing i ever read

A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Subject: Virgins all over again ! ! !

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, ......
"Look at this, ...still in the CRATE!"

Another bloke is on the golf course when he too is hit by a golf ball,

He doubled over clutching his fists into his crotch area, when a woman runs over from a group just about to tee off,

shouting 'I am a registered nurse, let me help you' she immediatly undoes his zip and starts to massage

his privates. 'There how is that, does it feel any better?'

He answered 'Oh that is absolute bliss; but it was actually my thumb that got hit.'

Genie

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if
she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a
storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did
not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I
want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the
Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about
world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady,
be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm
out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but
not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and
help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I
wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said,

"Let me see the f___ing map again.

Man walks into a bar & sees a mule in the corner next to the bar. Being a curious fellow he asks the barkeep what the deal way.
"Well, we have a contest here. You drop $20 in the kitty & if you can make the mule laugh, you get the whole thing".
The man eyes the huge pickle jar full of money & slaps one on the counter, "I'll take that bet!". He wlaks over to the mule, leans down & whispers in it's ear whereupon the mule starts braying in utter amusement.
The man walks back & asks for his money. the barkeep is dumbfounded at this. "In 5 years NOBODY has made him laugh! Yanno what tho, I'll bet you everything in the till against that jar that you cant make him cry too."
The man looks around the well populated bar, scratches his chin & thinks on it a bit. "OK, I'll do it, get my money ready for me". He them walks over to the still amused mule, & with his back to the room opens his long coat & does something in front of the mule that the bartender couldn't see. Within mere seconds the mule starts sobbing.
As the man walks back the barkeep is totaly confused & in shock at what he's just seen. "WHAT did you do to get that mule to laugh & then cry so easily???"
"well", the man says as he collects his cash, "I'll tell ya".
"First I told him I had a bigger pecker than him. Then I showed him". & then he walked out.

One for the armed services:

3 generals & an admiral, representing the four services, are at the officers club when the subject of bravery comes up. Soon it develops into an argument of who's men are the bravest of all. Seeing that there is no way but to actualy prove it to eachother they pile into a car & head to the nearest base to test the theory.

An Army base was the closest, the Army general directs the party out to the firing range. He walks up to a private & directs him to run out in front of the live fare exercise. "YES SIR!" & the private runs across the range & is promptly mowed down.
The general turns to his fellows & says "That was a brave soldier!".

The Marine General shakes his head & tell them to follow him, his base was the next closest. They arrive at the Marine base & head out to the practice fields where they find a squad practicing with grenades. The general orders a young marine over to them & takes a grenade from him, pulls the pin, drops the now live grenade to his feet. "Save us private!" The Marine promptly dives on the grenade shielding the officers with his body. The general looks at the other men & says "Now THAT was a brave Marine".

The Airforce General shakes his head & says his base is next, he'll show them what bravery is about. So they all pile in the car & head to the nearby airfield. They arive & go up into the tower where the general sees a young officer in a jet doing a training flight . he gets on the radio & identifies himself to the young pilot. "Luitenant, I want you to drive that bird into the deck in front of us". The young officer rogers the command & plows the jet into the deck below them, dying in the firey crash.
"Now That, THAT was a brave man!"

They all turn & look at the Admiral who up to this point has made no comment. He simply motions for them to follow & they head to the docks. They arive pierside in front of a grand old battleship. The Admiral looks up on the mast & spies a young seaman dutifuly painting some 90 feet above the deck. He leads the group up the gangway & gets a bull horn from the deck officer to get the young mans attention. "You there, seaman!"
The young sailor looks down, smartly salutes & yells back "Yes sir! What can I do for you?"
"Sailor, I want you to undo your life line & jump down here at my feet right now!"
The sailor looks down at the group of officers with a perplexed look for a moment then replies, "Sir, with all due respect, you can go f**k yourself!"
The admiral turns to the others with a huge grin. "Now that gentlemen, THAT is a brave man!!"

Denny. Well Done! Timely and quite appropos.

Far far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts, but Nick the Dragon slayer knew the penalty for this desire would be death should he try and touch them.



One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire,but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.



Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.



Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva,if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.



The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.



Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.



The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...







The moral of the story... Pay Your Bills.

i got one for you guys
ok did you hear about that small plane coming within 4 miles of the White House?
Thats closer than John Kerry ever got!