Git-r-done!!!!
Attachment 14330
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Git-r-done!!!!
Attachment 14330
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Don
Sounds like a solid plan to me! Problem solved! LOL!
Yep, that outta do it. :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
A few of us from work would go to the one guys private shooting range sometimes after work, and one of the guys is a gun fanatic. He was in some secret military group that worked undercover in the jungles of Cental America, so he is kind of an "on the edge" guy anyway.
He has a rifle pretty much like the one in the picture, but a little shorter. It is a 50 calibre custom made rifle that was formerly used in helicopters as a machine gun. The shells are like 6 inches long, and it will go through concrete blocks and trees like they aren't there.
When he fires it, the shockwave of air hits you 20 feet away. One of the guys said, "let Don shoot your rifle once.", so I did. As soon as the thing went off I exploded with a string of profanities, because it was that powerful. Even though it was on it's own tripod, you can't imagine the power of this thing. Probably the most useless gun in the world, but really a blast to shoot. (no pun intended):LOL: :LOL:
This picture reminded me of that gun.
Don
Oh Lord, Denny, I haven't heard that since Boot Camp in 66. :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: Geez, that just reminded me of how old I am getting and how late it is. Guess I'd better take my Old Salt butt to bed.
It must be the same all over the world, we were told that too! "One's a rifle, the other's a gun, one's for shooting, the other's for fun."Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyW
I had actually forgotten about that 'til you guys brought it up.
johnboy
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old
> son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
> and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
> He began his commentary as his parents put their plan nto operation:
>
> "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
>
> A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
>
> A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called
> out.
>
> "Matt's riding a new bike....."
>
> A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
>
> "Jason is on his skate board...."
>
> A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
>
> Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out,
> "How do you know they are having sex?"
>
> "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
:3dSMILE: :3dSMILE: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
Don
>
>
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
M is for my Memory which ain't worth a cent
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo,that's "dizzy",you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
Joke # 1
LATEST POLLING SHOWS
> Forty-three percent of all Americans say
> that immigration is a serious problem.
>
>
> The other 57 percent said,
> "No hablo inglés"
Joke # 2
DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise
ship. I've packed all my
pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful
and we saw some whales and
dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has
started to be. I met the
Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did
some shuffle boarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain
invited me to join him at
his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a
wonderful time. He is a very
attractive and attentive gentleman.
______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK. won
about $80. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We
had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me
to stay the night but I
declined. I told him there was no way I could be
unfaithful to my husband.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go
to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day
inside. The Captain saw me and
bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a
charming gentleman. He again
asked me to visit him for the night and again I
declined. He told me that
if I didn't let him have his way with me he would
sink the ship. I was appalled.
______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today.
Twice.
Joke # 3
GOOD MORNING,
WELCOME TO THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Press "1" for English.
Press "2" to disconnect until you have
learned to speak English
Two good ole boy's down in Ala. were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...
After a while the first guy says to the second,
"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was huntin",and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy cocked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, hs says, Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even.":eek:
General Custer was on his way to the Little Big Horn when he decided to take a detachment of 10 men with him and jog over to a small town. Just outside of town he found a farmstead. He told the farmer he and his troops headed to the Little Big Horn and asked if could he leave the detachment horses there for watering and feed while he and his men went to town. The farmer said yes but he'd have to leave one man there to watch them.
So Custer said "Cpl Peters, you stay here and watch the horses"
He and the other 9 went to town. They found one bar which was also a cat house. After an hour he approached the Madam and asked if her group could service them.
She asked how many they were.
Custer said "Ten without Peters"
The madam looked him and said "Ten without Peters? Get out of my establishment, we can't do anything for you."
Geez, I had really hosed that one up till I went back and edited it. DOH!!!!!!
A mate of mine (whose name was Melvin, but he preferred Joe,) got caught growing some grass he shouldn't, amd got sent to spend some time in the "big house."
To while away the time in there, he got his mother to send him in a flute, and to his amazement, he found he had a natural ability to play it.....he could hit notes, really high notes, that no-one else had ever been able to reach. It drove the wardens mad, so, to annoy them as much as anything, he practiced these high notes until he was absolutely perfect.
Upon his release, he found he was in demand by all the big (and I mean BIG) orchestras all around the world, who paid him a lot of money to play for them.
He bought himself a farm, discovered he loved ploughing, (that's "plowing" to you illiterate Yanks) but would get bored after an hour or two, and wander off to the local cat house, where he would get up to all sorts of depraved things.
His poor mother, when she heard about it, was so embarrassed that she became a nun, and joined a Convent in Barcelona.
Now he's known as the: High Flutin' Tootin', Rootin' Son of a Nun From Barcelona, Part Time Ploughboy Joe.
(And if you believe that, you'll believe anything!)
johnboy
I don't make them up, I just forward them.
BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A KENTUCKY CLOTHING FACTORY AND BOTH WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.
WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER..... I SEW
ELASTIC INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES"..... THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY
STITCHER" AND IT WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.
SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER", WHICH WAS LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB.... SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK....
WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS! HE STORMED BACK INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE MONEY......THE CLERK EXPLAINED,
"PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED, AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR"
"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB, "I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND
RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "DIESEL FITTER"....!!!!
Put Me in Reverse
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day..
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,
then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have responsibilities,
you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.
This had potential to be much better than it is, i chuckled at a few of them... **)
You know you've got too much horsepower...
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
Doh !!!!.....**)
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other women
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Hand over the remote:LOL: :LOL:
After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed... and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but... they're the only foods we can get under the door."
ok so I'm at work and obviously had nothing better to do than to make this up... hope you all enjoy, im not the greatest poet but it works. It just came to me at lunch, my girlfriend has to be the world's worst driver :LOL:
GET A CHEVY, GET A FORD,
TOYOTA, HONDA OR ACCORD
MAKE IT TO THE DEALERSHIP &
BUY THE BEST YOU CAN AFFORD
NAVIGATOR, HUMMER OR ESCALADE,
AMONG SOME OF THE BEST MADE
AND STAY AWAY FROM LEMONS,
UNLESS MAKING LEMONADE
CUSTOM HOT ROD, STOCK OR RACER
THERE’S SOMETHIN YOU SHOULD BRACE FOR
OH’ O’COURSE YOU HAD TO TAKE HER
WHEN LOOKING FOR A CAR
HELL, TAKE SOME FOR A TEST DRIVE
JUST DON’T LET THE ONE WITH BREASTS DRIVE
FORE HER FOOT WEIGHTS MORE THAN HER THIGHS
YOU ASKED FOR SUICIDE FOR SURE
BEG MORE FOR MERCY AT RED LIGHTS
THAN YOU DO FOR SEX AT MIDNIGHT
OH’ YOU WOULDN’T HAVE SO MUCH FRIGHT
WITH A BLIND MAN AT THE WHEEL.
SHE KNOWS LESS OF FUEL INJECTION
THAN SHE DOES OF AN ERECTION
YOU’RE LOSING YOUR COMPLEXION
AND SOON FAINTING ON THE FLOOR.
YOU ARE INSANE LIKE NON OTHER
WHEN YOU HAND THE KEYS TO MOTHER
FOR SHES BOUND TO MAKE YOU SMOTHER
AS THE AIRBAGS GRACEFULLY DEPLOY
SO FELLAS LETS JUST KEEP THIS IN MIND
THEY DRIVE AS THOUGH THEY ARE BLIND
CAN’T KEEP THE CAR BETWEEN THE LINES
THE PASSENGER CHAIR IS FOR HER BEHIND
WHEN YOU HEAR HER TIRES SQUEAL,
BRACE AND PRAY FOR ONE MORE MEAL
I’VE SAID ENOUGH, LETS MAKE A DEAL,
TO AVOID THE TIME IT TAKES TO HEAL,
WHEN A FEMALE IS BEHIND THE WHEEL
P.S. --- I'm not sexist... I love women
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>
What is the fastest growing city in the world?
DUBLIN
Why?
Because it's DUBLIN every day.
Homeland security is really on the ball.
Don
Not a joke, but just plain funny.
Don
http://media.putfile.com/Bush-Video-50
men can never win
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert. If you don't, you are a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist. If you don't, you are unromantic
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something. If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are up on yourself. If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ..... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her. Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful? God: So you will always want to look at her. Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft? God: So you will always want to touch her. Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good? God: So you will always want to be near her. Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid? God: So she would love you.
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They`re totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They`re moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They`re tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don`t hear you when you`re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they don`t want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
Conclusion: They`re tiny men in little fur coats.
There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy said to the other, ''Let's go downtown and get a couple of girls!'' So they went downtown that night, but the girls they found thought they were sleazy and decided to play a trick on them by slipping out and sticking blow-up dolls in the beds.
The next morning one of the guys said, ''I think my girl was dead, because she didn't grunt or groan when we were having sex last night.'' The other guy said, ''I think my girl was a witch, because when I bit her on the tit she hissed and flew away....''
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"
He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"Me"
TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY WHILE WAITING FOR YOUR DATE AT HER PARENTS' HOUSE
10. Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drug store.
9. Show me how you used to spank her.
8. Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter.
7. Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?
6. I just got my license today.
5. I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature.
4. Five bucks says she's a D-cup.
3. Do you have an empty pop can and some matches?
2. Hi, I'm Robert, but my friends call me "Back Door Bob".
1. So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?
Four brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
Mama wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank You."
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband ..1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband ..2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband ..3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband ..4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband ..5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband ..6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband ..7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband ..8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband ..9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband ..10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
only thing the Lawyer did was argue with it.
Then she married a hot rod mechanic, he gladly tore into it the first night and he's been working on it ever since. :LOL:
Quote:
Originally Posted by 42K3
:LOL: :3dSMILE: :LOL: :3dSMILE: :LOL: :3dSMILE: :LOL: :cool:
Jerry, smelling of strong drink, sat down on the subway next to a
priest.
Jerry's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes Jerry turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me
Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes, and a lack of personal hygiene."
Jerry muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to
his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on
the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry. I should not have come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," Jerry replied. "I was just reading
here that the Pope does."
see even the pope git er done:LOL:
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.
MORAL OF THE STORY??? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.