:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally Posted by lt1s10
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:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally Posted by lt1s10
One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking
around town with nothing on except his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing
walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on
the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go
in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing
and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy.
Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I
should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my
boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay
Billy-Bob, lets go to town!' . . . I guess I'm the first one
here!"
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but moan since you've been here."
OH man this is some funny stuff......... i was beginning to think no one told jokes anymore........... glad to see them still around and funny as hell ,thank you very much for the laughs. this section gets a bookmark
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for
glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye
doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye, and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her
face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about
getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on
wire frames."
You may be a redneck..........
....if you've ever taken a pregnancy test AND a sobriety test on the same day!
One of the Al Quaeda 9/11 pilots made his way to The Pearly Gates. There he was greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive." yells Mr Washington as he punches him in the mouth.
Patrick Henry comes up and punches him in the nose: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, but all you got is death!" and gives him another hefty clout.
James Madison comes up next, and says: "This is why I allowed the Federal Government to provide for the common defence!" as he drops a large weight on the pilot's knees.
He is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th century American Revolutionaries.
As he writhes on the ground Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to meet his final judgement.
As he awaits his journey to his final (very hot) destination, he screams: "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies; "I told you there would be 72 Virginians awaiting you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
johnboy
Q: What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?
A: Kids won't eat broccoli.
Any answers:LOL:
Divorced Barbie
One day a father gets out of work and
on his way home
he remembers that it's his daughter's
birthday.
He pulls over to a toy store and asks
the salesperson,
"How much is the Barbie on the
display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which
one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What?
Why is the Divorced
Barbie $265.95 and the others only
$19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers:
"Sir...,
"Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, half of Ken's Pay Check
Ken's Boat,Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and... One of Ken's Friends."
I've got some Saddam Hussien Tee Shirts for sale.
A bit tight around the neck, but they hang well.
johnboy
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
**)
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a d*** teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a d*** train going around the d*** tree. And when I go outside I want to see a d*** bike leaning against the d*** garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-b****!"
Wouldn't you just know it now that Saddam's been executed? I got another Saddam joke just now.Quote:
Originally Posted by johnboy
If the trial had taken place while Saddam was in control, it would've resulted in a hung jury.
johnboy
Q: What does Saddam Hussein and the Oakland Raiders have in common?
A: Neither one is going to the Super Bowl this year.
Fellow goes to confession and tells the priest "Father, I've done something terrible. I just know they're going to throw me out of the church for this one."
"Hold, on," says the priest, "what have you done that's so bad they're going to throw you out of the church?"
"Yesterday, my wife was bent over a sack of potatoes and I looked at her ass and got so turned on I went lifted her skirt and had sex with her right there and then."
"There's nothing wrong with that," says the priest, "you're allowed to have sex with your wife.
Why on earth would you think they would throw you out of the church for that?"
"Well," the man said, "they threw us out of the grocery store."
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered.......take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.
I know, my toes were all gramped up in them.Quote:
Originally Posted by TOW'D
A city slicker named Tommy was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.
Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.
That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.
Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try. Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.
Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends "how on earth did you manage that?"
"Easy," said Tommy "my wife's an epileptic."...
Last Words
A very loud, and unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way throuhg the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart greeter says," Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart; nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly women stops screaming long enough to say,"Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, hes 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do they really think they look alike?"
"No." replies the greeter," I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice!!" :eek:
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She
carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes
out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.:LOL: :whacked:
Man goes to the Doctor and says, Doc, my p*n*s is turning Orange
Doctor asks, what do you do everyday ?
Man replies, oh nothing, just eat cheetos and watch porn. :D
Katie was staying with her grandfather for a few days.
She had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when she came into the house and asked him, "Grandpa, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
He was a little taken aback, but decided to tell her the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, dear."
Little Katie just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play
with the other kids. A few minutes later she came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" " and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars . .", she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my vife!" Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Vell," Ole says, "neider did I, til you shined dat dang light in her face".
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own..
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through! But once you see the answer, you'll realize that with just a little reflection, you could've come up with it yourself.
Okay, here goes:
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
"Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down...":LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
A man entered a bar, and sat beside a good looking woman. "Hi, come here often?" he asked ?
She turned to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, I dont care!! "
He raised his eyebrows, thought for a minute and asked her, "So what law firm do you work for ??"
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche
that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded,
"I can't believe you stopped me.
This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied,
"And you must be what's passing through."
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all
the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never
realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
Give Me A Piece Of Ass….
After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
A Cowboy goes into a restaurant and orders a "sheepherders breakfast" from a good looking Waitress.
Waitress asks, whats a sheepherders breakfast ?
Cowboy replies "eggs, toast and a piece of ewe" :)
Q: Why was OJ Simpson cruising around Monica Lewinsky's house ?
A: He heard she likes the Juice. :D
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
Ok, is this stupid or am I the only one?? I don't get it! Someone help me out!Quote:
Originally Posted by rbohm
They beat him until he confessed to a crime he didn't commit. :-)
humm, I want a new joke!Quote:
Originally Posted by HOTRODPAINT
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Pfizer Corp. also announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."