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A guy sat in a bar is caught gawping at a gorgeous young lady at the end of the bar, she gets up from the bar stool and heads over to where he is sat,all off the time holding his gaze...
She casually sits,smiles and says
"Hi handsome , i'll do anything you want me to, but you've got to ask me using just 3 words"
the guy sits there kinda embarassed, and ponders her words...
"remember" she adds "just 3 words"
"ok" he says" I think I've Got it.."
"so what would you like me to do?" she asks...
He replies "paint my House"
The boss was in a quandary, he had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like $hit."
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat
down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news
was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a
swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.......
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat
down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news
was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a
swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.......
Marital Bliss-
Newlywed couple had only been married for 2 weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP , DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F...ING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F...ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
And, they lived happily ever after.
In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded. "Why, yes I do
know you, Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a young boy, and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to
realize you will not amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney?" She
again
replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster,
too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in
the entire state. Not to mention he has cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes I know him." The
defense
attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet
voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll
throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
HA HA HA HA HA that was pretty kewl tow'd.
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature!
Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!... she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."
Harry yells back... "DON'T SWING FRED!!!"
"For God sake, DON'T SWING!"
"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God Sakes, DON'T SWING!"
Hahahahahahahahaha:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Mr Smith was always a hard working man. He got top grades in his exams, he got a 1st class degree from cambridge, he got a well paid hard working company job, he works until midnight overtime and he even works over weekends. However, one day, the boss said to him, "Smithy, you work so hard, tell you what. I'll give you a 2 weeks paid holiday to Jamaica". Mr Smith was delighted, so the next morning, Mr Smith set off on a 1st class British Airways flight to Jamica.
He landed some several hour later and, after checking in at the luxurious hotel, headed for the beech.
Mr Smith was lying on the beech and was sooooo relaxed. Unfortunately, he was so relaxed that he drifted off to sleep. He woke up and could barley move, he was sunburnt from head to toe.
A very burnt Mr Smith headed to the nearby tourist medical centre and asked:
"Please help me, I am completely burnt, is there any special cream you can give me?"
A very large, typical hawaian shirt wearing Jamaican replied:
"Oh don't worry man, let me go look, see what I got for you"
The man was away for quite some time, and Mr Smith was wondering if he had forgotton. Suddenly, the large Jamaican man appeared with a small item in his hands.
"Here you go, this was the only thing I could find"
Mr Smith recieved the item and it read "Viagra"
Mr Smith was stuned,
"VIAGRA???? What the hell do you think this is gonna do? I'M BURNT not in need of some sexual help!"
The large Jamaican replied
"I don't know man, maybe it help keep the sheets off tonight"
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
>
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
> Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their
backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she
shouts out ..
Damn!... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner.."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly: "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wife's put together!...I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker
a guy went to the doctors office with a bad problem. " Doc, I have a problem that is scaring the crap out of me" . Well, what is it ? The problem is that my tallywacker has turned orange and i dont know why. The doctor replied " What do you do for hobbies "................................... " Well, eat Cheetos and watch porn,...... why do you ask ?"
A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.
The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke
a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...
You fancy comin' along?
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.
The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?"
The Jew replied, "I have no water. But, Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes".
"The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me.
If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared.
Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table.
The Jew said, "I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that hill.
Could you not find it?"
"I found it," rasped the Arab.
"But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."
:LOL: :LOL:
One day, while trying to escape from the American Forces, through Pakistan, Osama found a bottle on the beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a beautiful female Genie arose out of the mouth of the bottle, and with a dazzling smile, said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything". barked Bin Laden.
The shocked Genie said"Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought for a moment, then grumbling about the impertinence of the woman, he finally said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed with me in the morning, so just do it, and be off with you"!
The annoyed Genie said "So be it" and disappeared.
The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken and he had no health insurance!
God is so good!**)
A blind man enters a "Ladies" Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro
Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little $hit. If
you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor, someone said, "Oh $hit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a farm boy wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered farm boy. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the farm boy replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"
Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.
They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the farm boy walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.
The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.
The rich man decided to toy with the farm boy and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.
suddenly, the pinto went roaring by. "Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the farm boy a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.
To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again! "FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.
The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.
Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the farm boy backed up next to his car.
"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.
The farm boy climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
Duane-not all is at it appears. eh?
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
>
> He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like
> car so she could zip through traffic around town.
>
> He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck. Everything she
> seemed to like was way out of their price range.
>
> "Look!" She said. "I want something that goes from 0 to
> 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My
> birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
>
> He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
>
> Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
Been a while since i posted, so heres one for you. Streets sent it to me.
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
>party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited
>Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the
>pool in the backyard of his mansion.
>
>Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
>oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
>
>At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft
>man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
>has the nerve to jump in."
>
>The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
>and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
>
>Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
>jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head
>butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
>through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
>
>The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
>the gator were screaming and raising hell.
>
>Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like
>a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
>
>Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
>
>Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
>dollars."
>
>"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
>
>The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
>bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
>
>"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
>
>The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That
>was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
>
>Again Leroy said no.
>
>Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you
>want?"
>
>Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the
>pool."
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading.
>
Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache!"
>
Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
>
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep." :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :3dSMILE: :D :cool:
Sam comes out of the woods after six months, and walks into a small bar in the isolated town. "any women in this town?" he asks the barkeep.
"No, but there's Joe," the guy says.
"Sorry, I'm not that way."says Sam, and goes back to the woods.
Six months later, he comes out to the same town. "Any women in town yet?"
"No, but there's still Joe," says the barman.
Sam says, "If I go with this Joe guy, how many people have to know about it?"
Barkeep rubs his chin thoughtfully. "Five," he says.
"Five! How come so many?" says Sam.
"Well, there's you, and there's me, and of course there's Joe. And there's the two guys who hold Joe, 'cause he ain't that way either!"
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",
"No, not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw Daddy and Aunt
Diana in a passionate embrace.Little
Johnny found this so exciting that he could barely contain himself as he
ran home and started to tell his mother.
Mommy," Little Johnny exclaimed, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Diana. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Diana a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Diana helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Diana...
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
INTERESTING story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell him tonight.
At the dinner table, Mommy asked Little Johnny to tell Daddy his story.
Mommy listened closely as Little Johnny started telling his story about
how "he saw the car go into the woods...., then watched Aunt Diana get
undressed..., and then Aunt Diana laid down on the back seat...and then
Aunt Diana and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle
Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!!!"
Moral: Listen to the whole story before you interrupt someone
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father.
"The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh , very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer f****n' candle."
A man and wife go to bed -
He decides to read a bit before he goes to sleep so he has his book and the light on, on his side of the bed -
She is pretty tired so just lays down and closes her eyes..
A few minutes later she feels her husband's hand rubbing between her thighs and working his hand to her vagina =
He massages her with his fingers and she thinks, maybe if I don't move he will think I'm asleep and won't want to pursue the matter any further
She lies still and after a few seconds He stops and removes his hand
Just as she starts to doze off her husband's hand is back rubbing her again
She doesn't move a muscle and he removes his hand again
Again, she starts to doze off and sure enough the sme thing happens again and she finally figures she won't get any sleep until he gets his way
She gets up out of bed and starts to take her nightgown off and her husband asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies. "If your going to keep doing that we might as well have sex and get it over with"
The husband looks at her and says "I don't want sex, I'm just wetting my fingers so I can turn the pages".....
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
After a rough approach through heavy rain and turbulence, the airplane bounces a few times then finally stays down. Using maximum reverse and with antiskid working hard, the airliner finally slows down enough to turn off at the end.
The Captain addresses the passengers over the PA: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London Heathrow. We'll be taxiing for the next few minutes so please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened. Thanks for flying XYZ airlines...... pause.... man, after that I sure could use a cold beer and a bl*w j*b"
The flight attendant rushes down the aisle to tell the crew that they've got a hot PA. As she rushes past a passenger calls out...
"don't forget the beer!"
A guy goes into the bar and walks up to the bartender "Bartender I just want to sit in that corner over there drink one beer and leave, and I don't want anybody to bother me".
"Why would anybody bother you?"
"Because I'm gay"
"Go ahead and drink your beer, nobody will bother you"
The next day
Gay walks in the bar with another man and says to the bartender "This here is my cousin, he's gay too. We'll just have one beer and don't want to be bothered"
"Go ahead and drink, nobody will bother you"
Third day
Gay walks in with the same story, but this time it was his brother who was also guy.
Fourth day gay walks in with yet another gay and says to the bartender "This here is my father and his gay too...."
"Hold it danmed, yelled the bartender, doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Well yes my sister, but doesn't drink beer"
.38 Revolver
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated Smith & Wesson .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino."
"Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?"
:toocool:
Hmmmmm, wonder if this could be true???
A frog phones the psychic hotline and is told: "You're going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you, who will get totally involved with you."
"That's great!" says the frog, "will I meet her at a party or what?"
"No, " says the psychic, "you'll meet in her biology class next term."
johnboy
Subject: Four Catholic Ladies
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2, hard bodied, well hung, male stripper."
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
:LOL:
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
:LOL:
Women Drivers
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it" he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He then pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
The car's now up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice: "No,
I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires. "What have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles:
"The airbag.
**)
oh man that story christmas with louise is one of the funniest things ive ever heard great story. .. (man i wish i had christmases like that)
I've found that there are three types of people. Those that can count and those that can't.