If only you'd listen......:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:
Printable View
Huh?? What?? Did you say something Roger?? You sound like my wife! :eek::p:LOL::p:LOL::p:3dSMILE:
not you too? :LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:the Lone Star is doing just fine, thank'ya:3dSMILE::p
Sorry but, I couldn't resist! The DEVIL made me do it!!!! :LOL::eek::LOL::eek::LOL:
BTW, how's Beelzebub doing these days? I used to hang out with him all the time but haven't seen him in years. :p:LOL:
He asks for you all the time! I'll tell him you said "HEY"!
:LOL::LOL::LOL:touche'
Sad, But True? Meller...... LOL.. Good One!
I used to shoe horses for a living and we had a route down in the Trinity River Bottom. We were leaving there one afternoon and my son, who hauled with me, said "Dad, some of those folks are bred back a little too close!"
"It" must happen in a lot of places... couple towns from me, we just called them "pinkeyes"...:eek::eek:
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Came in from having a few with the boys and there was a note on the Frig that read:
"This just isn't working and I can't stand it anymore so I'm going to my Mothers"
I opened the Frig and the light came on and the beer was still cold - - - ??? wonder what's she's talking about???
During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:
Well, Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers. Escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four 'leaks' behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
'No,' I replied, I'm, just a very poor golfer."
An elderly (and slightly tipsy) man is stopped by the police around 2 AM and is asked where he was going at this late hour.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body and social relations".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who on earth is giving such a lecture
at this time of night?"
The man replies simply, "My wife."
This is for Mike and the other Guitar Pickers:
Do you know why a guitar picker keeps a capo on the dash of his car?
So he can park in a handicapped zone.
You're letting the secret out now Em!! ROFL....
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," and this is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is.. "Embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Mello Yello is KING!!! ROFLMAO..
Bank robber walks in, tells the teller at gun point "Give me all the money". She does and then he shoots her.
Robber turns to the gentleman behind him and says "Did you see anything?" and the gentleman says "I saw it all". The bank robber shoots him.
Robber turns to the next gentleman and says "Did you see anything?" the next gentleman says "No, but my wife saw it all"
An elderly lady, stopped to drive into a parking space when a young man in his brand new BMW drove around her and parked in the space that she had been waiting for. She was so angered that she approached the young fellow and stated, through gritted teeth, 'I was about to park there.'
The man looked at her with disdain and replied, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."
This annoyed her even more, so she got back in her car, backed it up and then she stamped on the accelerator and rammed straight into his BMW.
The young man came back to his car and found a note, "This is what you can do when you're old and rich."
A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.
"You crafty little bastard," said the genie
I refuse to purchase a Webster's Dictionary because, as soon as I do, they will release the "Movie" !
FACT: 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
That's pretty sneaky, Mr. Duck. :D:D:D
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"
Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."
The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."
:LOL::3dSMILE::3dSMILE::LOL:
Another Lil' Johnny Joke . . .
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
**)**)**)**)**)
As we slowly move through retirement, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........Like this guy.
http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/a...g?t=1375223676
I know, I saw it right away too.... No safety glasses or hearing protection.
And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.
I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.
O.K. . . . One more, then Lil' Johnny's gotta go home!!
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm playing cards."
"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand." :cool::cool:
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Little Jimmy tells his little sister Betty one morning: "we almost lost mommy last night. I heard some loud moaning coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom so I went in, there was mommy with her arms and legs up in the air screaming 'Lord I'm coming I'm coming', if it wern't for daddy holding her down we'd have lost her for sure":eek:
Jack.
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
__________________
three birds are sitting on a power line .. bird # 1 says " my instincts tell me to head south for the winter .... bird # 2 says " my instincts tell me to head west for the winter ... bird # 3 says ..." my end stinks to but it dont tell me to go nowhere !!
Got this one in an Email.
http://s3.amazonaws.com/manmadediy-u...nal-poster.jpg
:)
I just received my sale papers today (whoopie - NOT)
Anyhow, I particularly noticed this Ad from Kroger Foods.
Either this "donor" pig ran into a brick wall and met his fate
or stopped "way too fast" at one time or another.
http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/a...g?t=1375906379