[QUOTE]Originally posted by john gemmer
good training:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: [/QUOTE
youer good.....:whacked: **) **) **)
Printable View
[QUOTE]Originally posted by john gemmer
good training:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: [/QUOTE
youer good.....:whacked: **) **) **)
[QUOTE]Originally posted by lt1s10
Now don't go tellin anyone :p :D :3dSMILE:Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
good training:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: [/QUOTE
youer good.....:whacked: **) **) **)
ok now i know good thing i wasnt lookin to good :LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:
hey I don't want anyone to say I took life to serious some time It needs to be one big joke I was always told by me daddy to stop and smell the roses unless of course theres a bee on them or even worse I don't think I have to go their I think all our minds could imagine what that could be ----- get a long little doggy :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :p :D :3dSMILE:Quote:
Originally posted by DennyW
:) Your pretty funny too! "Me want tobacco", Augg, Give John Whiskey now, palface, or me scalpem, hahaha:) Reminds me of the OLD westerns, hahaha
I tried to warren you but no would you listen heck no now every one knows my secret profession how els did you think I could afford Mrs. clause and the new paint job on my truck:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by TRUCKGUY
ok now i know good thing i wasnt lookin to good :LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:
yes sir I know that to be true that was also one of my teaching growing up mama would always say ya better smile or a bird will come along and dodo on your lower lip yep sure did aren't ya glad elephants don't fly :p :D **) **) :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by DennyW
:LOL: You absolutely right John. I always try to smile, and joke around some. Makes life super. Who wants to go around being Grumpy all the time, hahaha. Don't answer that, I might get into trouble, hahaha:LOL:
Oh yeah them the blues crows I like them there kool :p :DQuote:
Originally posted by DennyW
:LOL: The only one I like to see is: DUMBO, hahaha. yes, I have that movie, hahaha. Grand kids love it. I like the crows, hahaha.:LOL:
How small is it?
It's so small that the mayor, the village idiot and the town drunk are the same person.:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
here are some more
Q.how does a blonde turn the light on after having sex?
A. by opening the car door
marrige is like taking a hot bath after you get used to it it isnt so hot
Q.why didnt the possum cross the road?
A. cause he got squased in the middle
Q. why did the chicken cross the road ?
A. to prove to the possum it could be done
i will think of some more later and post them:LOL:
:o :( :D ;)
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without You, we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what's butt dust?"
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening
from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but
he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening
from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but
he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Hi, John, how you doing today?:) :) :) :)
Ow pretty good got all the baking done mama releved me from having to do the shopping thing so Im feeling great how are youQuote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
Hi, John, how you doing today?:) :) :) :)
I am fine, just a touch of ol arthur rita$$.
Here's another one for you.
Subject: The Hardware Store
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware
store....
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he
needed a new hinge, so he > sent his wife Mary Lou to the hardware store. At
the hardware store
Mary Lou saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
while she was waiting for
Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a
customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Lou asked how much for the teapot.
Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded
to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went
to the back room to find it. From the back room
Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Lou, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, " No, but I will for the teapot."
Oh yeah :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
I am fine, just a touch of ol arthur rita$$.
Here's another one for you.
Subject: The Hardware Store
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware
store....
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he
needed a new hinge, so he > sent his wife Mary Lou to the hardware store. At
the hardware store
Mary Lou saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
while she was waiting for
Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a
customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Lou asked how much for the teapot.
Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded
to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went
to the back room to find it. From the back room
Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Lou, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, " No, but I will for the teapot."
I have a cousin, Ron, (last name omitted to protect the guilty) who works for the Iowa DOT in the land aquisition department. You can just imagine who busy he is. Hahaha. Anyway we send jokes back and forth most days as he has a computer on his desk and not a heck of lot of work to do this time of the year. So I come up with some new ones from him at least every other day.:p ;) ;) :LOL:
hey did you hear about the guy that sent his wife out to make some money to pay there taxes yeah he thought he would be an as-hole and send her out on the corner well 10 hr went by she hadn't;returned finally about 230 am she return home close all ripped up hair a mess oh man she was a wreak so the husband asked how did you do she replied very Impressed with herself I got $250 and 25 cents he looks at her and asked who in the hell only paid you a quarter she looks at him ----- all of them
what is he a scale master thats funny Iwould think he would be really bizzy this time a year but thats Okay more jokes the merryer:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
I have a cousin, Ron, (last name omitted to protect the guilty) who works for the Iowa DOT in the land aquisition department. You can just imagine who busy he is. Hahaha. Anyway we send jokes back and forth most days as he has a computer on his desk and not a heck of lot of work to do this time of the year. So I come up with some new ones from him at least every other day.:p ;) ;) :LOL:
Hehehehehehehehe, That's a good one John. Thanks.:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
----- all of them
Nah, he buys land for the right of way in highway construction.Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
what is he a scale master thats funny Iwould think he would be really bizzy this time a year but thats Okay more jokes the merryer:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Oh for a minit I thought you were going to say yeah and he remembers me I use to drive truck ya had me worried there for a minit :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
Nah, he buys land for the right of way in highway construction.
Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
Oh for a minit I thought you were going to say yeah and he remembers me I use to drive truck ya had me worried there for a minit :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
;) ;) :LOL: :LOL:
Oh sure laugh at me now no I just kidding I wasn't really that much of a butt head well maybe to a couple of those scale masters but they asked for it but we wont go thereQuote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
;) ;) :LOL: :LOL:
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT
DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
:LOL: :LOL: **) **)Quote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT
DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
the salesman and the Indian chief this salesman was studying how to throw voice so he was talking to this Indian chief one day when he ask the chief how about letting me talk to your horse chief looks at him said horse no speak so the salesman walks up to his horse and asks the horse does the chief treat you well the salesman throw his voice and the horse replies he treats me good so do you like the chief oh yeah I like the chief so the salesman then ask the Indian chief how about letting me talk to your dog chief look at him and laughs dog no speak so the salesman walk up to the dog and ask him hows the chief treat you the dog replies Oh he treats me well. do you like the chief oh yeah I like the chief so bye this time the chief is sitting there speechless can not believe what has happen so the salesman turns to the chief and ask how about letting me talk to your sheep the chief look at him and says sheep lie:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
**) :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
the salesman and the Indian chief this salesman was studying how to throw voice so he was talking to this Indian chief one day when he ask the chief how about letting me talk to your horse chief looks at him said horse no speak so the salesman walks up to his horse and asks the horse does the chief treat you well the salesman throw his voice and the horse replies he treats me good so do you like the chief oh yeah I like the chief so the salesman then ask the Indian chief how about letting me talk to your dog chief look at him and laughs dog no speak so the salesman walk up to the dog and ask him hows the chief treat you the dog replies Oh he treats me well. do you like the chief oh yeah I like the chief so bye this time the chief is sitting there speechless can not believe what has happen so the salesman turns to the chief and ask how about letting me talk to your sheep the chief look at him and says sheep lie:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Geez, John, no new Jokes. Me, I am kind out or them. Course I've been up for 42 hours, cause the Arthur Rita$$ wouldn't let me sleep. So I am kind of running outa gas.:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
well ya better try and some sleep this ant good shoot I use to go 21 days with only a 1hr power nap a day but not any more I'm lucky to make 21 hr I ha to learn it the hard way we need sleep so we can have more whit be more mischievous and more cunning oh yes we need sleep :p :DQuote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
Geez, John, no new Jokes. Me, I am kind out or them. Course I've been up for 42 hours, cause the Arthur Rita$$ wouldn't let me sleep. So I am kind of running outa gas.:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
An 83 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done.
"I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and bring it back the following day.
The next day the old man returns with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well", the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out...
We never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
For real or not ?
Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist ! $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor! Now what do I do?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
Jim and I have been married a long time, why?
Quote:
Originally posted by DennyW
Top Ten Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear From Kids
1. "Mom says you're my real daddy"
Hehehehehehehehehe, I wouldn't want to hear that either.:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
An old man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging
along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a
urine
sample,
a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What
did
he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!.":LOL: :LOL: :LOL:I know boooo :p :D
OOPs I think he forgot to do something :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :p :D
Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
OOPs I think he forgot to do something :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :p :D
GGeeesshh ya think:confused: :o :eek: :D :LOL:
i cant remember all of this one but here goes.
there was this little boy on his bike and he drove up beside this cop on a horse and the cop askes did santa get you that bike and the little boy says yes aand the cop gives him a ticket for not having a reflector on it and the little boy says did santa give you that horse and the cop laufs and says yes and the little boy says well you need to tell him that the dick goes on the bottom and not on top :LOL::LOL::LOL:
Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks,
"What?" "SEX!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O. K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, ......... "Parkinson's."I know !I know! you sick puppy :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
:D :D :D :3dSMILE: :LOL: :LOL:
HAHAhahahaha like the last one alot:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL: