Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2
miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft.
Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus.
He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling
and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him
then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything
to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them
to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the
drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,

you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a short while and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

Two college kids from Boston were driving through Texas on the way to visit a friend from college. They were blasting down the Interstate at about 85MPH when a Texas State Trooper pulled them over. Seeing the out of state plates, the trooper decides to have a bit of fun.

When the trooper, who happened to be about 6', 6" and weigh 245, approached the car, the driver asks, "what seems to be the problem?" at which point the trooper grabs the kid, pulls his face real close and says, "boy, when you're driving in Texas and a trooper pulls you over, you had better have your license, registration and proof-of-insurance ready and waiting and don't you ever speak to a trooper unless you're asked to!"

Shaken, the young man fumbles through the glove box and produces the required documents for the trooper who then ambles back to his cruiser. After a few minutes, the trooper returns to the car, hands the driver his stack of paper with a speeding ticket on top. The trooper then walks slowly around the front of the car and comes to the passenger side and taps on the window with his nightstick. As the passenger rolls down the window, the trooper reaches in and cracks the passenger with a good back hand.

"What was that for?" gasped the passenger.

"I was just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"My wish?" exclaimed the young man!

"Yup - cause I just know that as your buddy pulls out of here, you'll say, 'I wish that trooped had tried something like that with me!' Have a nice day boys and remember, drive safe in Texas."

A letter to my bank.

Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the
moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of my checks is
returned marked "Insufficient Funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?

Sam died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the
last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest
and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and
leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah . "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the
synagogue. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest
went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how
big is it ?"

"Two and a half carats."

:lol::lol::lol:

Here's your vocabulary lesson for today.



'Liquidity'

This is when you look at your investments

and wet your pants.

It has just been reported that the head gardener at the White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to many US presidents. When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said "All I did was go into the Oval Office and ask, "Has anyone seen the spade and hoe?"

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In
fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3.. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing
a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything..

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes
from bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
;moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our @rse ...
then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

Yesterday I was at Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Harley, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm old and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both..

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask old people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

A man goes to his dentist to have a tooth pulled. He
pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet.."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to
hold onto when I pull your tooth.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house,

slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and

resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:

'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask

if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

After being married for 35 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day & said, Honey, 35 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed & watched a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot & sexy 19 year-old gal.
Now I have a $ 250,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big bed & plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot, 19 year-old gal & she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed & watching a 10-inch black & white TV.

Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

I was depressed last night so I called "Lifeline."
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round
to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."