dude .. 5 years and only 45 posts .. you need to speak up a bit more :LOL:
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dude .. 5 years and only 45 posts .. you need to speak up a bit more :LOL:
Two hundred and seventy five pound guy goes for his bi-decade physical. After it is done, the doctor says:
"I have some very bad news for you: You have a very short time to live..".
"Oh no!!! How long, doctor??"
"Ten.."
"What, "Ten", Ten years, ten months, ten weeks - what??!?"
The doctor goes, "nine...., eight...., seven..."
I think Yellow72 said all that needs to be said.:)Quote:
Originally Posted by HOSS429
Check out the green sneakers
I think I see the direction this thread is taking....
this is just my opinion and a short statement.. no need to add comment as it will just get the thread locked .. this is the first time iv`e ever not wanted anyone for president :( http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d1...mackhilary.jpg
I have never been partisan.....until this year! I am temporarily a Republican! :-)Quote:
Originally Posted by HOSS429
The polls say that Hilliary is the front runner everywhere (but Iowa, as of yesterday). I have yet to talk to anyone who will vote for her, Democrat or Republican. Maybe the media is polling themselves - and will vote for her and rampant socialism/communism. Everybody will be equal then, except some like her will be more equal (shades of Orwell's book "Animal Farm").
We should start a new thread for these - regardless of the fact they really are a joke - but not!!!:mad:
Happy Thanksgiving to one and all, and here's hoping everyones turkey has ample breasts!
A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.
First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.
After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.
The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word
SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service ." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those " services" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.:LOL: :whacked:
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline.
I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan.
I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....:eek: :eek:
The Mounties always get their man!
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for help. Within seconds the RCMP emailedthe White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down." :LOL: :LOL:
A doctor called his patient on the phone and said "I've got bad news and worse news.....your test results came back and you've only got 24 hours to live. The worse news is.....I forgot to call you yesterday".
How much money did Carl Perkins get for his song Blue Suede Shoes ?
1 for the money
2 for the show
3 to get ready....
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins..:LOL: :LOL:
A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of 'Thanks Santa'--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's No Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer.
"I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't
seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for
the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they
made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting
enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields
with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will
be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day
when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the
Doc., "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a
shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love,
and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin'
season started!":CRY:
Two hunters are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the
ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size
of it.
The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I
can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw
something down and listen and see how long it takes
to hit bottom."
The first hunter says " There's this old
transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it
in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count
one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over
the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush
behind them. As they turn around they see a goat
come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole
with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each
other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out
what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't
happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did
you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but
we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat
came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert
miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole
here!"
The old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I
had him chained to a transmission!"
Old man BillyBob goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull.
A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?"
BillyBob says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them."
The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian."
A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our bull doing now?"
BillyBob says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows."
The banker says, "Wow! What did the Vet give him?"
BillyBob says, "He gave him some pills."
The banker says, "What kind of pills?"
BillyBob says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint."
A blind man is walkin by this fish market right?
well he takes a big wiff and goes...
Whoa! good morning ladies.
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Ok, their is this bar and its on the edge of a cliff, there is only one window in the whole joint and if you look through the window its straight down to the canyon floor below.
So a clearly intoxicated man stumbles over to talk to a incredibly beautiful woman sitting at the bar and says, "Hey, ill bet you, one-one... one MILLION dollars that i can jump out that window and fly around and come back in unharmed" Woman replies "pfff... ok ill take your bet"
Man says "HEY bartender! get over here! get me my special drink!" the bartender slides down a very unusual looking drink, the drunk downs it, jumps out the window, flies around and comes back in unharmed! needless to say the woman is amazed and exclaims "hey! let me have one of those things!" bartender slides down an identical drink, she drinks it, jumps out the window falls and dies.
up in the bar the bartender and drunk are laughing uncontrolably, the bardender suddenly says "oh Superman you are a *** when your drunk!"
So, my two Italian brothers were hunting in the woods and they came across a nude gal sitting on a tree stump.....Vincie asks, "are you game"? She smiles and says, "U bet, Hun". Alfredo shoots her...
When I was born God gave me two choices....
(1).... I could either have a good memory....
OR
(2).... Be good in bed !!! .......
Sh!t !!! .
Now I forgot what I waz gunna tell ya!!! :LOL: :LOL:
Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was Marrying a "mail order" bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom Assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new Bride to be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker,being the wise man that he was, could see that the Sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker
tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to
help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
"And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
Don't ever underestimate us old Geezers.
very funny
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'
Harry : '9.'
Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'
Harry : '36..'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3 rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !
Harry replied : 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'
Harry : 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'
Harry : ' Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky ?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs ?'
Harry : 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F ' and ends in ' K ' that
means a lot of heat and excitement ?'
Harry : 'Fire truck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
ah TOW'D that was FUNNY! :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
ok hmm let me think of one...
got it!, nope thats too dirty...
nope that one is too lame...
got it!
how many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
it takes three.
one to hold the lightbulb
and two to drink so much the room starts spinning.
-CJP
While many have dogs, probably the same number of folks have a cat or several. If you have never had a cat, these are for sure true. If you HAVE had one, you for sure are already well aware of these laws:
Feline Physics Laws
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
Some men just never learn.
Cursing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their coworkers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in
an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked , then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~ * ~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?
There may be a few that can relate to this even now:
It's going to happen to all of us sooner or later===for some of us sooner
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford
is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they
were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sippingthe drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
oldie but goody
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there."
"By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't cry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single.
Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
Whispering...
Dave.............
Dave.............
Dave............
..............you're a veterinarian.":CRY: :CRY: :o
Three Rednecks, Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie, were working up on a cell phone tower. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.
'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'.'
She said, 'You're mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Shit
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
http://www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
http://www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
http://www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
http://www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
http://www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
http://www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
http://www.gotahoe.com