Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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While strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist who slipped from the quayside and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.
It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides

and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum

of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into

ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,

the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into

something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor

made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing

but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've

been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Golf Course ?"

Thanks, Mudduck, that is definitely a laugh maker. I often say that it takes a good bit to make me laugh, and that one did it.

.

Police Harassment



Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum
with the local community (a question
and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing." One of
the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question:
"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually
harass people and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a
cop with a sense of humor replied:

"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista,
we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops
are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we
do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments
that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any
given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and
available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So
roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that
attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where
a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives
a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a
second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is
not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge
day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some
tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically
harass.

The tools available to us are as follow:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to
focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his
wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give
somebody some special harassment.

Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The
harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They
like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no
driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them
out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they
have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant
on file.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police
officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a
beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass
them for hours to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better
to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to
harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor
Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which
you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can
just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of
these listed offenses and harass them.

Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this
book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission
to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and
it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks
to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens
who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they
pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave."
That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me."
It's one of our favorites. Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a
little bit better how we harass the good citizens of Chula Vista.

The Tooth Brush Salesman

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Mike's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Mike walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Mike.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Mike, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the Government method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Mike got an A+ for his assignment. Bless his heart.

A man liying in the recovery room calls the nurse over and through his oxengen mask says to the nurse,
Would you please check and see if my testicles are black
the nurse replied, Im sorry sir I can't do that
The man again said, please, it will only take a second, check and see if my testicles are black
The nurse presisted, sir, that is something the doctor will have to do
The man pressed on, I'm begging you, will you PLEASE check to see if my testicles are black
Reluctantly, the nurse lifted the sheet, took the mans testicles in her hand, inspected them closely and pulled the sheet closed
The man props himself up, removes his oxengen mask and says to the nurse
Well thank you for that, but please listen carefully
Will you please check to see if MY TEST RESULTS ARE BACK

A 1st grade teacher was readiing the
story of the Three Little Pigs to her
class. She came to the part of the
story where first pig was trying to
gather the building materials for
his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to
the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said:
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the
class: 'And what do you think the man
said?'
One little boy raised his hand and
said very matter-of-factly, "I think
the man would have said, 'I'll be a
son of a bitch!! A talking pig!"

The teacher had to quietly leave the room.

There were protesters outside my local grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America and our involvement in the Middle East.

I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly lady and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a soft voice, “Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”

The old woman looked up at her and said: “Honey, my father died in France in World War II, I lost my husband in Korea and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.”

I could have pushed the 'like' button twice for that!

A guy, who was not feeling well, went to the hospital to have tests run.

Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.

Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......

The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."

The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?

The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."

"Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"

The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself. Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."

The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza? Will that help cure me?"

"Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can slip under the damn door...."

Not so Professional Sports ?

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:"I wan' all dem kids to do
what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me.”

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to
rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:"You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

9. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'".

10. Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

11. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven.
>
> The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
> "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
>
> She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
> Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
> I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
> I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB
> clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
>
> I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.
> He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
> On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
> It hit the man and killed him.
>
> At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
> Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
>
> The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
> "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.
> I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
> I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
> I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
> I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
> Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
>
> Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
> He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
>
> I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....

Subject: Pilot in Distress


THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO SAY !!!!!!



This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantically calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me! PLEASE HELP ME!”

She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control, retired Marine fighter pilot, and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you safely back on the ground. I have a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!”

“Now give me your height and position.”

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama.”

"O.K." says the voice on the radio...."Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in heaven.”

.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."