Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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MY FATHER IS A STRIPPER IN
A GAY BAR...........




One day a
fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living. All the typical answers came up --
fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer,
and so forth.

However, little Justin was
being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher
prodded him about his father, he finally replied, ?Okay...my
father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in
his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good,
he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night
for money.'


The teacher, obviously
shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children
to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside
to ask him, 'Is that really true about your
father?'




'No', the boy
said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last
year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the
class.'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered,
'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt
I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him,
'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”

Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look. I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

As Pelosi’s aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation — “While Speaker Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California . She simply is not to be trusted.”

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, “But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint.”

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful
women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman
will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she
just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak,
who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a “ no-fault State”
whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra’s speech
during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.

Tiger Woods

Obama - Go Figure!!





Secret Code

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House..

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ... you're holding it upside down!'



This was sent to me. Not my story!!

Richard

During the time Ronald Regan was president we enjoyed the music of Johnny Cash and entertainment of Bob Hope.

Now we have Obama and sadly, we have no cash and no hope..

Whether Conservative, Liberal, Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.'

Words Women Use


FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right
about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.


FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that
it's an even trade.


NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."


GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine."


GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will
get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.


LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."


SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often
used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go
Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned,
you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."


THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.


THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some
callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask
what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
"You already know how to play Hockey!"

"EMAIL WARNING"

If you should get an email with the subject title "Nude Photos of Nancy Pelosi"

DO NOT OPEN IT - - because there are actually Nude Photos of Nancy Pelosi in the email !

Several Red Blooded American Men have already been scarred for Life and are in rehab awaiting a cure !

ouch !!!!!

dunno if this one has been said:

a blond pulls her older car into the mechanics shop.
She explains the car has been sputtering and not running smoothly.
the mechanics tells her to go sit in the waiting room and check back with him in a little while.
she walks back to him 20 minutes later:
blond: "So what seems to be the deal?"
Mechanic: "Ahh just crap in the carburetor"





blond: "Ok..... how often should I do that?"

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
husband's birthday. She doesn't know which one to
get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing sunglasses.
"Excuse me, sir," She says. "Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"

"Ma'am," He says, "I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know from the sound it
makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination
and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

"That's amazing!" she says. "You can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens
her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50
please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get
$34.50?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he replies. "The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is another $3.50."

This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy,

can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddys are.

They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical

care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn. Is this a great country or what!

Exquisite British humor!!

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand..

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.