Okay! okay! one more I've got lots but I will control myself
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Okay! okay! one more I've got lots but I will control myself
:mad: :D :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
well:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
SITUATIONS HALLMARK DOESN'T COVER...
1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ...
(inside card) I changed my mind.
2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ...
(inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ...
(inside card) That you're not here To ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...
(inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry ...
(inside card) Someone other than you.
6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ...
(inside card) Almost lifelike!
7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. .
(inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time ...
(inside card) What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you ..
(inside card) It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
(inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ...
(inside card) I'd miss you terribly And think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . .
(inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, and West Virginia).
14. Looking back o'er the years We've been together, I can't help but wonder ...
(inside card) What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!.
(inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.
16. How could two people as beautiful as you ...
(inside card) Have such an ugly baby?
Tis the season:D
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming ...
New from MATTEL: Administrative Barbie: Works twelve hour days for little pay (70% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop and directions for the coffee machine. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.
Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.
Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini Bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.
Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, and Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
Scientist Barbie. Scientist Barbie comes complete with a white lab coat, map of the human genome, pictures of fetal defects, and 2 books (Sigma catalogue, and How to lie with Statistics). HIV, Hepatitis, H Pylori, and pregnancy tests can be order from Sigma. Pull her chord to hear her say: 'Who cares if math is hard when you have a TI-85', and 'There's REALLY nothing dangerous about Radioactive materials'. Scientist Barbie drives a classic 1979 'vette......chevette, that is, because everybody knows that academia doesn't pay. Microscope, transgenic mice, and dissecting scalpel needed to undercut fellow researchers and stab collaborators in the back sold separately. Small animal surgery kit includes coupon for Dominatrix Barbie accessories.
Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, 'Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic.' Comes with a 'One Day at a Time' bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from 100% post-consumer recycled materials.
College student Barbie. Comes with backpack, birkenstocks, and t-shirt with credit card logos. College student Barbie's back is hunched over in order to hold the backpack with 10 lbs of books (sold separately). Pull the string on her back and hear her say: 'Anyone up for a game of Euchre?', and 'Don't talk to me, I have a hangover'. Comes with a list of phone numbers of classmates to call to get the notes she missed from last week's Human Development Lecture. Coming soon... College Dropout Barbie. I just thought about Not Available: Engineering Student Barbie and Ken. Package not available that's strong enough to hold ego.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in package with Skipper and Ken.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the jungle.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership pamphlet on union-organizing & pay scales for women compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says, 'Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!'
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with love handles, double chin, a curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Breyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a t-shirt reading 'Only the Weak Don't Eat', and, of course, an appetite.
Tomboy Barbie... Comes with complete jeans and Microsoft t-shirt, sneakers and backpack. Tomboy Barbies come with short or long hair (never blonde), and optional tattoo kit, car repair kit, sports equipment (basketball, baseball, and soccer equipment), pet dog Baron, and jogging outfit. Pull the cord and hear Tomboy Barbie say 'That's not fair...' or 'Just use the monkey wrench to fix that.' This Barbie has no makeup on the face and no ring holes in the fingers. Equestrian Barbie... Specially molded hips to allow legs to split and ride astride. Barbie has English, Western, and Medieval riding outfits, comes with horse Prancer, with all the tack, buckets, brushes, blankets, food, combs, lead rope, and barn equipment. Equestrian Barbie also has bag of carrots. Pull her string to hear her say... 'Easy there big guy, whoa...' and 'Oh shit.' This Barbie cannot wear any tight clothes of other barbies due to the change in hip molding. SCA Barbie Available only in dark or red hair, this Barbie (named Barbara) is dressed in the basic SCA t-tunic with options for Elizabethan, middle period, early period fop, and Scottish or Mongolian. She has pouch, belt, chair, candle and trencher. She comes with Companion Kenneth, complete in his t- tunic and leggings with boots, optional clothes include matching outfits with Barbara. Pull her string to hear her say... 'Where is Court?' 'Long live the King' and 'Let's set up camp.' Pull Kenneth's string to hear him say... 'Have some more mead, dear,' 'I accept,' and 'No, no, after you...' The Barbara doll is modified - she has flat feet, no arch, and cannot wear heels. Animal Lover Barbie This Barbie comes with washable cotton dress, leather gloves and a towel to wrap her cats in. She has four cats, two dogs, ten fish, two ferrets, and a pair of gerbils (mating pair, no less). Send coupons away to get baby gerbils (available only in lots of forty). Pet dishes, brushes, and calendars for vet visits are included. Dogs, cats, and ferrets require batteries for the motion-sensors that cause them to make noise. Barbie also comes with food bags, pooper scooper, tanks for the gerbils, and leashes for the big animals. Send away in a contest to win a free llama, sheep, goat, and horse combo for Barbie! Pull her string to hear her say... 'Ah, feeding time, my lovelies...' and 'Down boy! Sit!' and 'No, no no no no' and 'Not again...' Available only in rural areas.
Barbell Barbie Comes with neatly clipped razor cut, overly muscular body, and bottle of steroids. Dressed in 'Gold's Gym' togs, B.B. (as she prefers to be called) is ready to hit Muscle Beach at a moment's notice (Muscle Beach sold separately, Muscle Beach Ken sold separately). Pull her string and she grunts, or says 'I _never_ take steroids.' [andrea's note: please feel free to add to this! i'm pulling as blank on what kind of car she would drive. as you can see, i'm more familiar with the one below
Dominatrix Barbie Dressed in a latex jumpsuit and boots, leather gloves, and studded mask, Mistress Barbie cracks her whip. Blond hair can either be worn through the pony-tail holder in hood, or come off completely for full bald effect. Body piercings are removable and fit in any and all holes, and tattoos are moveable and replacable. Comes complete with full dungeon playpen and Slave Ken (wearing leather harness, collar, g-string, butt plug, and full hood). Pull her string and she says, 'Lick my boots, pig!' and 'You need to be disciplined.' Other available outfits and accessories: latex teddy, fetish boots, leather harness, latex harness, corsets (both leather and latex), corset dresses (both leather and latex), leather hood, latex stockings, and assorted body jewelry (including nipple and clitoral rings and barbells).
Divorce Barbie: Comes with all Ken's toys.
I thought you would want to know. It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never realized how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, their two children -
John Dough and Jane Dough and they had one in the oven. He is survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
A new 2004 SCAM
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,' DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year.
Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW
If you think computers are a great invention!
In March 1997, a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card Company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled.
He called the credit card Company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a Computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
Bumper stickers seen around the USA:
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink, Don't Park - Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken .. Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full-Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me - I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong ...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.
[Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you're a feminist ... Isn't that precious.
64. I need someone really bad ... Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
WHAT IS THAT?
A visiting Pastor was offering an eloquent prayer. With his hands raised to heaven,
he began:
Lord, without you, we are but dust, ---
He never continued. At just that moment, a little girl, who had been paying attention for a change, turned to her Mom, and in her best loud, shrill little girl voice asked:
Mom, what is butt dust?
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Rrumbler
WHAT IS THAT?
A visiting Pastor was offering an eloquent prayer. With his hands raised to heaven,
he began:
Lord, without you, we are but dust, ---
He never continued. At just that moment, a little girl, who had been paying attention for a change, turned to her Mom, and in her best loud, shrill little girl voice asked:
Mom, what is butt dust?
Ten Commandments For The Car Collector:
Written by Donald Peterson for the Feb. 1979 issue of Car Collector Magazine.
1) Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments.
2) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger.
3) Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's Toyota.
4) Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.
5) Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.
6) Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47 Plymouth.
7) Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.
8) Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.
9) Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.
10) Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas. Ten Commandments For The Car Collector
Doctor's Orders
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead
A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and an old drunk at the end of the bar says in a slurd voice, "Where'd ya get that pig." The lady promptly responds, "It's not a pig it's a duck." The old man says, "I know, that's who I was speaking to."
A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."! (effect enhanced with an complimentory rimshot)
What do a Harley and Hoover vacuum have in common?
The dirtbag attched to the rear of it!
(If I'm hated after that one I have no one to blame except my buddy who told it to me... I must admit I found it very funny.) A word of caution: Don't tell that one in a crowded bar during the Sturgis Harley fest. Still having a hard time seeing straight.
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". he won!
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
now that what I call a ball of gas:LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by lt1s10
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". he won!
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
now that what I call a ball of gas:LOL: :LOL:
He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
know what that is john? thats an old geezer being born.
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was cripple
:LOL: :LOL:
Quote:
Originally posted by Streets
You speakin' from experience LT1?? 'er did yer parents tell ya dat one!!! :LOL:
if the old fart fits.. then wear it. :confused: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
i know what you meant. sometimes i think we both came from the same smart fart. :HMMM: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Streets
:LOL: I always knew ya wuz a Fart Smellar LT1... 'er I meant "Smart Fellar"...
Man who fart in church sit in own pew. aw! another wise proverb man who fart in jar save on gas :p :D :LOL:
Do you know why bald men cut holes in there pockets :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: so they can run there fingers through there hair :p :D :3dSMILE: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Why do conversations between men always come down to the subject of farts? :rolleyes: :p
I do not no this I'm not worthy ask streets or mike they started it :p :D :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Jerilynne1965
Why do conversations between men always come down to the subject of farts? :rolleyes: :p
let me count the ways..... it takes less effort to do than anything else i know of. :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Jerilynne1965
Why do conversations between men always come down to the subject of farts? :rolleyes: :p
You sure wouldn't know that it takes LESS effort by the strained effort face I see frequently from the men around me ha ha!!!! :rolleyes: :p
Subject: The Pharmicist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door
by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He
insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I
had to call multiple times before he would even
answer the phone.
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to
confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two,
the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen
to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I
was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I locked the house
with both house and car keys inside and had to
break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the
store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch
of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store
opened and started waiting on these people, and all
the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels
against the cash register drawer to make change,
and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels
and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open
cash drawer, which made me stagger back against
a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let
up,
and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use
a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness,
all I did was tell her.
A three-year-old little boy was examining his
testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
Subject: Redneck Ghost Story
A professor at the University of West Virginia was
giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel
for his audience, he asks ......
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen
a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take
this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic! Now let me ask you one
question further... " Have any of you ever made love
to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand. The
professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all
the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has
ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got
to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a
grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When
he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
"So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Billy Ray replied, "Sh*****t!!! From way back
yonder, I thought you said Goats !"
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
A three-year-old little boy was examining his
testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
i really don't know what to tell you jeri. i can tell this has been brothern you for awhile, but im just an old dumb ass mechanic on this board that happen to have gas sometimes, so you'll need to get someone smarter than me to explain the inter workings of braking wind. wish i could have been more help. your friend, mikeQuote:
Originally posted by Jerilynne1965
You sure wouldn't know that it takes LESS effort by the strained effort face I see frequently from the men around me ha ha!!!! :rolleyes: :p
:HMMM: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
ps- sure hope you can take a joke.
:o here are some more
TECH: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
TECH: "What sort of trouble?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
TECH: "Went away?"
CUSTOMER: "They disappeared."
TECH: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
CUSTOMER: "Nothing."
TECH: "Nothing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
TECH: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I tell?"
TECH: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a sea-prompt?"
TECH: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
TECH: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a monitor?"
TECH: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
CUSTOMER: "I don't know."
TECH: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
CUSTOMER:..."Yes, I think so."
TECH: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
CUSTOMER: ......."Yes, it is."
TECH: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
TECH: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
CUSTOMER: ......"Okay, here it is."
TECH: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
CUSTOMER: "I can't reach."
TECH: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
TECH: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
CUSTOMER: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
TECH: "Dark?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
TECH: "Well, turn on the office light then."
CUSTOMER: "I can't."
TECH: "No? Why not?"
CUSTOMER: "Because there's a power outage."
TECH: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
TECH: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
CUSTOMER: "Really? Is it that bad?"
TECH: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
CUSTOMER: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
TECH: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
here's another
1. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".
2.I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries . . . it's a long walk."
3. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
4.IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
:o :o :eek: :mad: :( :LOL: :D :LOL:
Gold, Common Sense and Fur
>My husband and I had been happily (most of the time) married for five years, but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if He would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide. God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year, he blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.
>
>My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty. We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, "If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella."
>
>I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him.
>
>I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks. I tried to be understanding when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.
>
>When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.
>
>In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.
>
>While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother, I didn't even come close, I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God.
>
>I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too.
>
>Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."
>
>My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine. My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes."
>
>My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes." A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.
>
>I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived. My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."
>
>The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation. "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," Pastor Brian laughed, wiping tears from his eyes. "For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur."
>
>"My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.
john this looks like you. i thought you was santa. :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Oh no you cought me I guess I better not quit my day job now you lady don't drool . Is it me or is there a draft in here :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by lt1s10
john this looks like you. i thought you was santa. :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Ahhh! It Burns!!!! Wheres that spoon? I need to gouge my eyes out now:CRY::whacked::LOL:
ho! !ho ho! no gift for you get a chunck of coal:LOL: :LOL: :toocool: :toocool:Quote:
Originally posted by drg84
Ahhh! It Burns!!!! Wheres that spoon? I need to gouge my eyes out now:CRY::whacked::LOL:
Quote:
Originally posted by drg84
Ahhh! It Burns!!!! Wheres that spoon? I need to gouge my eyes out now:CRY::whacked::LOL:
dito !
Yaay santa! no more frostbite for me this christmas! **) :pQuote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
ho! !ho ho! no gift for you get a chunck of coal:LOL: :LOL: :toocool: :toocool:
mike dis for you :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
all right mike where did ya go cant hide behind that computer all night:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
i have to sleep sometimes. how did you get that cat to do that? :HMMM: :DQuote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
all right mike where did ya go cant hide behind that computer all night:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
good training:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by lt1s10
i have to sleep sometimes. how did you get that cat to do that? :HMMM: :D