Appropriate for some of us
Attachment 50237
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Appropriate for some of us
Attachment 50237
A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message.[IBM]
In ancient Israel,it came to pass,that a trader by the name of Abraham Com,did take unto himself,a young wife by the name of Dot.And Dot Com was a comely woman,broad of shoulder,and long of leg.Indeed,she was often called Amazon Dot Com.And she said to Abraham,her husband:''Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without even leaving thy tent?''
And Abraham did look at her as though she was several saddle bags short of a camel load,but simply said:''How,dear?''
And Dot replied:''I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,and they will reply telling you who hath the best price'.
And thesale can be made the drums and delivery made by Uriahs Pony Stable.[UPS]
Abraham thought long and hard and decided to let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.Abraham sold all the goods he had at a top price,without even having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries overhearing what the drums were saying,Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound...[MSDOS],and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures-Hebrew To The People[HTTP].But this secret did arouse envy.
A man called Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abrahams drum and began to siphon off some of Abrahams business.But he was soon discovered,arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Coms trading,as doth the greedy horse fly taketh to camel dung..
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites,or NERDS.
And,lo,the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums,that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer,Brother William of Gates,who bought up every drum maker in the land.And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates''drum heads and drum sticks.
And Dot did say:Oh,Abraham,what we have started is being taken over by others''.
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,or e Bay,as it came to be known.
He said:We need a name that reflects what we are.''
And Dot replied:Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators. ''YAHOO.said Abraham,and because it was Dots idea,they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abrahams cousin,Joshua,being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid[GEEK] that he was,soon started using Dots drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as Gods Own Official Guide to Locating Everything.[GOOGLE]
And that is how it all began
HONESTLY...:cool::eek::eek:
Green Things:
In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment." He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store.
The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in very store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw- away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand- me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
A Corny Cartoon - - probably a Texas "EAR" !
http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/h...s2008/Corn.jpg
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..."Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !!!
The kids on the beach yesterday commented on me trying to cool off and get a tan.
It is kind of alot like shake and bake huh.:p:rolleyes::LOL::LOL:
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father — a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.
Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
Mrs. Smith: (Interrupting) "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, specially twins."
Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it?"
Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Mrs. Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?... Mrs. Smith?... My goodness, she's fainted!"
Us older people need to learn something new every day just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Where did "Piss Poor" and a few other common terms come from?
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot... they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low. The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs (thick straw) piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how "canopy beds" came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt Poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old".
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom; of "holding a wake".
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift.") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer".
Brand new just out on the Market the
New and Improved Texas Rain Gauge
http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/h...ts2008/TRG.jpg
$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Tim Horton 's said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Lifesaver. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my food and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo . Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my coffee, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Assistance benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth....... It's the only planet with beer !!!!
This is one of the funniest stand-ups I've seen in a long time.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1B4AZI... - StumbleUpon
Count your blessings!
A group of seniors was sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an X at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several noddedweakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully "thank goodness we can all still drive"
I was sitting at the traffic light yesterday next to a car load of Muslim terrorists sporting hate signs when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car and Flattened it!
"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me".....
so I went and got a Commercial driver's license....
:):lol::lol::lol:
This old boy has a way with words and I lauched so hard I hurt myself.
How Not to Buy a Project Vehicle: The tale of the 1975 International Pickup
Now that's funny....
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please.... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.Do you think we could...'At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning... you don't.
WHY I NO LONGER OWN FLORIDA PROPERTY
--When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "take I-75, take I-4 or take I-95..."
--If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 AM - 10 AM and 4 PM - 7 PM. This is considered to be rush hour and you're not in any rush. No Exceptions.
--Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west.
--Tolls are a fact of life, the state has to make money, so deal with it!
--I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction ... that's the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!
--'A1A' and 'ALT A1A' are the same road.
--Traffic lights are not timed and never will be.
--Distance is measured in time - not miles.
--If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're lost!
--If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to back up.
--Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i.e. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the heck of it and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.
--Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can get through the intersection, eight more will go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.
--Know the difference between SunPass , Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel and Sun Trust.
--Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.
--Your blinker light means nothing.
--English is our first and second language.
--It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.
--There are alligators in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.
--When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.
--You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake, Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.
--A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.
--You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that everyone else has moved here.
--There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on almost every corner - with more being built every day.
--When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.
--It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations.
--There is a city called 'The Villages' where 77,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets.
--Jupiter is a city, not a planet.
--Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays . . not weeknights or weekends . . that's for the working folks.
--There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.
--You can't say; 'this is how we did it up North'. If you think that way, then go back North. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.
--No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.
--Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside. But inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.
--There are three things you need to survive a Florida winter: long sleeved T-shirts, sunscreen and the ability to mock all those extremely pale visitors with the bright pink 'Florida Tans'.
--The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if you are violating water restrictions.
This would be even funnier if it weren't so true:eek:.
Ah so true! I'm still laughing about all the toll roads!
Four Old Retired Guys
Four old retired guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner
and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and
let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time
the bartender serves up four iced martinis
shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They
can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again,
four excellent martinis are produced,
with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40
cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as
these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other
people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender,
"What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for
Happy Hour when drinks are half-price!
Medical advice
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Royale Crown he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Royale Crown, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes
to bed in his Crownie stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Royale Crown, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Sadly enuff, they are talking about a couple of my Grandkids !
http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/h.../FutureMan.jpg
When the branches on your "Family Tree" don't fork, just plant some donut seeds!
Donut seeds - Offbeat
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington
Never thought I'd see the word "anthropomorphic" on this forum! Where'd I put that dictionary...
5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.
1.Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
My Gosh, I'm Rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Butt
Iron in the Arteries
And an Inexhaustible Supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth!
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong ?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,
"An ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
The Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was
a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare
hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to
your brilliant friends.
*** Adult Truths ***
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. (You never met my MIL - she'll never know, never did, but at 97, excusable)
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (I'm never wrong - just ask my wife!!!)
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. (Agreed)
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (Those Chinese can do it)
6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Yes)
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. (Some of my neighbors........)
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (Just to make sure I don't have the symptoms)
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. (Age 19, maybe)
10. Bad decisions make good stories. (Have lots of them)
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. (It was usually Friday about 8:02)
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. (What's Blu-Ray?? Something like VHS?)
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. (Yep)
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (TG for caller ID)
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. (Don't they?)
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. (Not that water, REAL beer)
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. (Also the GPS)
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. (they're the same - if you are still bored after a snack, have another. You waistline wont tell)
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? (twice)
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! (one of my favorite driving diversions)
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. (YEP)
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. (actually it's less then .11 second)
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
In () are my comments:eek:
A man was driving around the back woods of Montana, and saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."He knocked on the door; and the owner appeared, telling him the dog is in the backyard.
The man walked into the backyard, and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asked.
"Yep," the Lab replied.
After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies; and
now I'm just retired."
The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he wanted for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner replied.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of
the yard."
Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing bass-ackwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ass hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
How about recruiting Women over 50.....in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends... in big type so they can read it.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
Okay, so a Texas rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine on his trip to the NE. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?"
Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say."
Texan (boasting) says: Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!"
Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."
LOGIC 101
An interesting letter in the AUSTRALIAN Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:
"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq ..
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington ..
The teacher told Pepito to make sentences with his spelling words...
(say them out loud and it's sooooo much funnier!)
1. *cheese* Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *mushroom* When all my family gets in the car there isn't mushroom.
3. *shoulder* My friend didn't know how to make tacos so I shoulder.
4. *texas* My friend always texas me forwards.
5. *herpes* Me and my friend shared a pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. *july* Ju told me ju were goin to the store, and july to me! Julyer!
7. *rectum* I had two cars but my wife rectum.
8. *chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife, but chicken go by herself.
9. *wheelchair* We only have one sode but it's ok wheelchair.
10. *chicken wing* My mom plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *liver* A bully was messing wit my sister and I told him to liver alone.
12. *body wash* I wanted to go to the bar but no body wash my kids.
13. *budweiser* That woman over there has a nice body budweiser face so ugly?