Lena and Ole from Minnesota
LENA and OLE ---
Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.
Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole
and says, 'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere
tractor and took her
to the hospital to have their
first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor
looked over at Ole and
said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!
' Well, Ole got excited by dis,
but yust den the doctor spoke
up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!
' The doctor den held up
a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole!
You got you a daughter!
' She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this,
an then the doctor said,
'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't
done yet!' The doctor then
delivered another boy and said,
Ole, you yust had yourself
another boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought
Lena and their three Children
home in the self-propelled combine.
He was real serious and he asked
Lena , 'How come we got tree on
the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night
we ran out of Vaseline and You vent
out in the garage and got dat dere
3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda!
It's a darn good ting I didn't get
the WD-40.
Dear God: It's me, the Dog
Dear God: It's me, the Dog
Dear God: Is it on purpose that our names
are spelled the same, only in reverse?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit
on your couch? Or will it be the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar,
the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray,and the
rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around?
We love a nice car ride! Would it be so hard to
rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest
and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human
verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee
flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Here is a list of just some of the things
I must remember to be a good Dog:
1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats
it or after he throws it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's
underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's
crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside,
and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living
room, and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy',
so when I play with him and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back? :D
English language is easy for foreigners - NOT
Let's face it – our English is a crazy language. Did you think English was easy? How about some amusing wordplay?
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this:
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP for now my time is UP and so it is time to shut UP!
:eek:
For the Sports Car Enthusiast
The Laws for British Sports Cars
Most of us are familiar with the physical laws thought up by Isaac Newton, the guy who invented gravity. He said things like "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" and "If you sit under a tree long enough, an apple will eventually fall on your head, provided you are sitting under an apple tree."
Isaac was considered very intelligent and was eventually responsible for the invention of calculus, which was a new kind of math for people who thought math wasn't already hard enough. He is also the reason why, even today, people who work in apple orchards often wear large, protective hats.
Newton's Laws made sense for hundreds of years, and everybody believed them. They believed them right up until the time when British sports cars were invented, when it was suddenly realized that a whole new bunch of laws was going to be needed.
Many distinguished scientists have worked their entire lives to try and figure out why British autos never seem to obey any scientific laws known to man.
These eminent scientists, with names like Morris, Healey, Leyland, Mowog, and Murphy, shook the scientific community when they published their new theory of mechanical behavior called "The Laws for British Sports Cars." Many people are not familiar with the five major laws, so they are listed below with a brief explanation of each.
1. Law of Peculiar Random Nomenclature
The name of a British Sports Car shall consist primarily of letters and numbers, with said letters and numbers chosen in random fashion so that the resultant vehicle name is wholly devoid of meaning.
This law explains why British cars always have spectacularly bad names like 'XKE' or worse yet, 'MGBGT'.
2. Law of Cryptic Instruction
Any book, manual, pamphlet, or text dealing with the maintenance, repair, or restoration of a British Sports Car shall be written so that at least every fourth word will be unknown to the average reader. In the event that any portion of the text is understandable, the information contained therein shall be incorrect.
Most people are familiar with this law. Here is an excerpt from page 132 of the MGA shop manual: "Before rebushing the lower grunnion banjos, you must remove the bonnet facia and undo the A-arm nut with a #3 spanner." All attempts to publish an English language version of this manual have failed.
3. Love of Hardship Law
The more a British Sports Car malfunctions, breaks, and/or falls apart, the more endearing it becomes to the owner.
You buy a British Sports Car. You have had it a year and a half, and have replaced every item on the car at least twice. When the engine is started it sounds as if someone has thrown a handful of ball bearings into a blender. But when someone offers to buy it, you are offended because "It's like part of the family, and besides, it's so much fun to drive." British Sports Car owners often stare into space and smile a lot. This is referred to as the "Foolish Person Syndrome."
4. Law of Non-Functional Attributes
All British Sports Cars, regardless of condition or age, shall always have at least one system or sub-system of components which is entirely non-functional, and cannot be repaired except on a semi-permanent or semi-functional basis.
This is also known as the famous Lucas Electrics Law.
5. Recently Discovered Component Failure Law
Any component of a British Sports Car which is entirely unknown to the owner shall function perfectly, until such time that the owner becomes aware of the component's existence, when it shall instantly fail.
Case in point: I have owned a rather natty MGB for six years. I never knew there was such a thing as a 'Gulp Valve' until I saw new ones offered for sale by Moss Motors. The next day, driving my MGB to work, the Gulp Valve fell off the motor and was run over by a truck.
I do not know what the Gulp Valve gulps, nor do I particularly care to know, since it sounds messy and dangerous. But I figured I would buy a new Gulp Valve and install it myself. One look at the shop manual and I decided to have somebody else install it (see Law of Cryptic Instructions, above).
While I'm driving the car over to the local repair establishment, I notice that the MGB is performing just as well as it ever did and that the loss of the mysterious Gulp Valve has not had any effect on its behavior. I figure this is due to the Non-functional Attribute Law, which means that the Gulp Valve probably wasn't gulping anything anyway, so I decided not to replace it after all.
Three days later the engine had no more oil in it and promptly seized into a solid mass of metal. The tow truck operator, being ignorant of the Love of Hardship Law, offered to take the car off my hands for $100.00. I just smiled.