Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Has Power Windows.

powerwindows.jpg

Red green already did this!

We had a power cut at home this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn predictive text, sorry I meant "tapping your wifi", not "tapping your wife".

As the elderly Arab gentleman had a very rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out. Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
The Arab sent the Scotsman an appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, five flawless one carat diamonds and $100,000, happy that his surgery could now go ahead.

A couple of months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street Chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his previous kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street Chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."

olde but goodie

A man on a flight is seated next to another man who has a dog with him. Interested to know why the dog is allowed in the passenger area of the plane, the guy asks “what’s the score”?

“I’m airline security” says the guy “and my dog is a sniffer dog to detect anything illegal onboard.”

“Let me show you” he says and sends the dog off down the rows of seats. About 10 rows down the dog stops next to a guy, sits down and offers him his right paw. The guy takes it, pats the dog and the dog returns to its owner and sits beside him.

“You see that” says the owner? “That means that guy is carrying cocaine.”

“Wow” says the guy “that’s amazing.”

Again the owner sends the dog down amongst the passengers and after about 20 rows the dog stops next to a woman and offers her its left paw. The woman takes the dogs paw and pats it on the head. The dog returns back to its owner and sits down.

“You see that” says the owner? “That means that woman is carrying heroin.”

“Wow” says the guy “that’s amazing, I’m so impressed.”

Again the owner sends the dog down amongst the passengers and after about 30 rows the dog stops next to a man and barks twice. The dog returns back to its owner and squats down and does a massive sh#t.

“Wow” says the guy, I didn’t expect that. What does that mean?“

The dog owner solemnly replies “I think he’s found a bomb!”
__________________

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.


By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."




In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Wyoming and Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."




.

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.


By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."




In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Wyoming and Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."


.

The Blonde Cop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too..."

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He
asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:

"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was
truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table
and said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you
felt embarrassed, right> The guy then responded in a loud voice:

"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH! YOU’RE NOT WORTH IT!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given a brochure by the hotel. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed......

Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

Which reminds me of a lovely restaurant in France where the menu stated
"We would be pleased for you to enjoy our tarts on the trolley"
Where else?

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato bags.

Then try 50-lb. potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

An Indian, a Muslim and an Australian were walking together on a Queensland beach when the Indian stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and........ a Genie appeared!

"I can only grant 3 wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are 3 of
you, you may have one wish apiece"

Pointing at the Indian, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back to our homeland!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."

Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said, "Look, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better
than this!"

Originally Posted by RestoRod

An Indian, a Muslim and an Australian were walking together on a Queensland beach when the Indian stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and........ a Genie appeared!

"I can only grant 3 wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are 3 of
you, you may have one wish apiece"

Pointing at the Indian, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back to our homeland!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."

Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said, "Look, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better
than this!"

HELP,,somebody,,,help me find that genie.. hahahaaa