Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by TOW'D

"Hello?"
"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you pumped out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn't moving either."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

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doesn't look like they even started it up yet! LOL.. Here, hold my beer!

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I wouldn't pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

I'm going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

I'm going to call it My Oughtabiography.

A sexy Maureen went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to Kevin the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked softly, stoking his face with both hands.
"Actually no", he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him'" she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed Kevin, "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him" she whispered," there’s no toilet paper, hand-soap or paper towels in the ladies room."

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, and then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across.

The next day they did the same thing, and the day after that.

The retiree then decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day, and do your thing".

The boys were more than happy, and continued to bang the bins. After a few days, the old man greeted the kids, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50 cents a day for you to keep banging the bins."

The kids were obviously unimpressed, but they accepted the reduction in payment, and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my payment yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"That's it?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25 cents each a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

As a hobby I keep ten beehives. My queen bees are now getting older and slowing down, so I ordered ten more queens from an apiarist. They arrived, but there were eleven arrived in their containers.
So I notified them of their mistake.
They promptly got back to me to tell me that the eleventh was a freebie.

The only time I ever get asked for sex is on application forms.

I had to go to the doctor's this morning. He told me that my sugar was too high so I came home and put it on a lower shelf.

I feel better already.

OK, some people shouldn't be allowed to buy complex machines 🙄
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Originally Posted by rspears

OK, some people shouldn't be allowed to buy complex machines 🙄
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home depot shopper .

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ...Just gonna be the two of us."

Two men out hunting came upon a huge hole in the ground and were amazed at the size of it.
"Wow, that's a huge hole; wonder how deep it is?"
" I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen to find how long it takes to hit bottom."
"Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."
So they picked the transmission up and heaved it into the hole. They are looking over the edge and listening for it to hit when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and without hesitation, jump in headfirst and disappear instantly.
While standing there staring at each other in amazement, trying to figure out what that was all about, a farmer saunters up. "Say there, did you happen to see my goat around here anywhere?”
“Funny you should ask, we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came blasting out of the bushes doin' bout a 100 miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this huge hole!"
The farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission.

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called!"