Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky .
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with
only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the
farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch
lies...

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really ?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night ?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

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A year in the Future:

The first woman President of the United States was going to be sworn in so she called her Dad in Texas and told him how much she wanted him and her Mother to attend the ceremonies.

Well, he wasn't much for traveling or even leaving home for that matter so he politely told her that they would not be able to make it. After much persuasion, the promise of having them picked up with a Limo taken to the airport put on a private jet and set up in a fine suite with all the pomp and circumstance they could stand, he finally agreed to go.

Came the time of the inauguration the daughter was being sworn in and the Father leaned over to the Senator sitting next to him and said "See that woman with her hand on the Bible?" The Senator replied "Yes, I do!" Then the Father said "Did you know that her brother played football for Texas A&M?"

OFFICIAL SIGN FOR HOME:

Ladies: If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign reads: SEX FROGS Only $20 each! Comes with COMPLETE instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME..."

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The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you need to call a doctor!"


It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.


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Wanna sell your car online but you don't have photoshop to edit out the license number?
Get a "Blonde" friend to help you out with the photos.
However, when absolutely necessary and as a last resort, you could use scotch tape.

An oldie but a GOODIE !
Voice mail Accident Hilarious. | Funniest Stuff on the Net!

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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I seldom need one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

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A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

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Heaven is...
heaven is.jpg

Larry How true

I changed my i-Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool..

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police
have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy..

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never fall in love with a tennis player because love means nothing.

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