Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Blonde with a Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

Nancy Pelosi had the honor of introducing the Pope to a huge audience of faithful Catholics and her constituents at large. Her gestures and waiving were animated but her reception was lukewarm, however, when she mentioned the Pope by name, the crowd cheered wildly. As they cheered, the Pope leaned close to Ms. Pelosi and spoke softly so that only she could hear and said, "Did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says, "One little wave of your hand, and all people will rejoice forever?? Show me", she said.

So the Pope slapped her

I have come to realize after thirty-one years of marriage the type of sex my wife enjoys the most....

DOGGIE STYLE!

I sit up and beg...

And she rolls over and plays dead...

A LOVE STORY (break out the tissues)





This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Redneck fire alarm:

Got stopped this morning. Policeman walks up and asks if I know why he stopped me. I said I assumed he wanted to sell me some tickets to the Policemans ball. He replied " The police have no balls I'm aware of", then for some reason he just got in his car and left.

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells
nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment
grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Johnny. The midget."





BUBBA HAS A QUESTION....


Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies
fer causin people to git cancer?'

'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.

'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries
with all them burgers An fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'

'Sure is, Bubba.'

'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'

'Yep.'

'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'

'That's right,' said the lawyer..'
'But why are you asking?'

'Well, I was thinkin...

What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'








A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she
unexpectedly farted.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere
near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, he politely greets the
lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price
of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam...if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

These two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.

So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

"Look," he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?".

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.

So the passenger says "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?"

To which the driver replies "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.!!!"

The Guy's rules
The Guys' Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules " From the female side.Now h ere are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! - Men ARE not mind readers.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
- Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
- If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
- You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
- Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
- ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
- If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
- If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.
- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
- Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Barb - you got most of the points, but there will be others

thought you guys would appreciate it.

This is a very sad story about a bear. Everybody should heed the warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore.

This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country's wildlife!


The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife . .


Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party, as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a Democrat bear in Montana nicknamed Bearack Obearma.

XMAS.jpg

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."