Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Went to a restaurant with She Who Must Be Obeyed.
We sat down and pulled sandwiches from our bags.
The waitress approached us and said, "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here"

So we swapped sandwiches.
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I'm getting stronger with age.
Now I can hold $100 worth of groceries with one hand.
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A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried what it might be he finally got enough energy to open his gown so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters on the tape was "Get well soon, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't beat Chinese Doctors....
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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't beat Chinese Doctors....
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Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”​

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterwards, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!

And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!

A Wife came Home early and found her Husband in their Bedroom making love to a very Attractive Young Woman. She was very Upset.

"You are a Disrēspêctful Pīg!" she Cried. "How dare you do this to me – a Faithful Wife, the Mother of your Children! I'm Leaving you. I want a Divorce, NOW!"

The Husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a minute Love. At least let me tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead" the Wife sobbed, "but they will be the last Words you say to me!"

The Husband Began:
"Well, as I was getting into the Car at Work to drive Home, this Young Lady here asked me for a Lift. She looked so Distressed, Helpless and Defenseless that I took Pity on her and let her into the Car. She was very Thin, not well Dressed and very Dirty and told me that she hadn't Eaten for Three Days. Out of Compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the Pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously. She was Dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away. I gave her the Designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too Tight. I gave her underwear, your Anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste. I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive Boutique but don’t Wear because someone at work has the same Pair."

The Husband Paused, took a quick Breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your Wife doesn’t use?" So here we are!"

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your Wife doesn’t use?" So here we are!"

OUCH! LOL

I bought a Greyhound today.
She Who Must Be Obeyed said "What are you going to do with it?"
"I'm going to race it." I replied.

"My money's on the dog." She said.
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Yesterday Harry had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course he was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrester.
Harry gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Harry, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause.
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Yesterday Harry had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course he was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrester.
Harry gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Harry, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause.
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I don't always carry all the groceries on one arm...
But when I do my keys are always in the wrong pocket...
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As you get older, have you noticed that your feet are getting further away from your hands when putting socks on?
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What do you call a cow that has a bad twitch?

Beef jerky.
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Young Ethelred was only three
-Or somewhere thereabouts when he
Began to show in diverse ways
The early stages of the craze
Of knowing the particulars
Of motor bikes and motor cars.
It started with a little book
To enter numbers which he took,
And though his mother often said
"Now do be careful Ethelred.
Oh dear, oh dear, what should I do
If anything ran over you?"
(Which Ethelred could hardly know
And sometimes crossly told her so)
It didn't check his zeal a bit
But rather seemed to foster it.
Indeed it would astonish you
To hear of all the things he knew;
He'd guess the make and get it right
Of every car that came in sight.
He knew as well its MPG
Its MPH and £sd,
What gears it had, what brakes and what;
In short he knew an awful lot.
Now when a boy thinks day and night
Of motor cars with all his might
He gets affected in the head
And so it was with Ethelred.
He took long drinks from mug and cup
To fill his radiator up.
And went about upon all fours
And usually, to get indoors
He pressed a button then reversed
And went in slowly backmost first.
He called himself a Packford Eight
And wore a little number plate
Attached behind with bits of string
He looked just like the real thing.
He drove himself to school and tried
All day to park himself outside.
At which the head became irate
And caned him on his number plate.
And then one day an oily smell
Hung round him and he wasn't well.
"That's odd" he said, "I wonder what
Has caused this rumbling pain I've got?"
No car should get an aching tum
from taking in petroleum".
At that he cranked himself but no
He couldn't get himself to go.
He merely whirred a bit inside
A faint chug-chug, and then he died.


Now as his petrol tank was full,
They labelled him inflammable
And wisely saw to it that he
Was buried safely out at sea.
So if at any time your fish
Should taste a trifle oilyish
You'll know that fish has lately fed
On what remains of Ethelred.
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