Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:



Husband:I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector:What is her height ?

Husband:I never checked.

Inspector:Slim or healthy ?.

Husband:Not slim, shecan be healthy.

Inspector:Color of eyes ?

Husband:Never noticed.

Inspector:Color of hair ?

Husband:Changes according to season.

Inspector:What was she wearing?

Husband:Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.

Inspector:Was she driving?

Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Tell me the type & color of the car ? . . . . .

Husband: A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatictransmission with manual mode.It has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying...

Inspector:Don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car.


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How men and women record things in their diaries......

------ Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep;
I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

-----Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt!

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before the ceremony.

The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?" says the man.

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?"

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"

"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"Absolutely not!" says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing!"

A farmer , to improve his herd stock , buys a prime stud bull . A beautiful beast .. But after the first month the bull has not been interested in the cows on heat .. In desperation he calls the vet . The vet duly arrives and after walking around the penned bull several times sighs Ahh and takes from his bag a length of hose .He inserts it into the bull’s anus and gives a short sharp puff . The bull perks up and is quickly about those cows that are waiting on his services. The charge $150.00 at which the farmer flinches A month goes by and the bull slowly looses his libido . Again the vet is called , again the ritual of walking about the bull , the inserted tube the sharp puff of air and the bull is raring to go and of course another $150.00 .. A third month passes and the bull’s ability again declines ,,the vet is summoned and while waiting the farmer decides he will give the cure a try . He cuts a length from the garden hose inserts it and gives a good blow ,,,, nothing ,,,he blows again to no avail and the vet arrives . He looks and a look of disdain crosses his face as he spots the inserted tube . He removes the tube , reverses it , reinserts it and gives a short sharp puff of air , Ah says the farmer , I had it the wrong way round ? No says the vet , there is no way I am puffing air into the same end that you blew in to .



A few years pass and the bull having been treated several times is slowly declining in his lust for the cows .. The farmer calls the vet who after some tests offers the farmer a drench that he assures will cure the bull . An expensive drench some hundred odd dollars . He is told the name of the product in case he wants further supplies as it is good for all animals . But it works and the bull full of vigour has served the full heard and is looking for further cows ,even giving some of the cows a second attending . The neighbouring farmer has observed the effect it has had on the stud bull and after some waiting asks the farmer what the secret is . The farmer tells all and the neighbour asks the name of the special drench … the farmer thinks for a while and replies ,, Cant remember the name but it tastes like liquorice .

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... ‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'...... 'Sure will '


The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.




'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much...




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A Maori bloke goes down to the Melbourne wharf looking for work and comes up to the captain of a fishing boat and says,'Hey Capt'n got any work for Me?'

The captain gives him a 28 page job application and says 'Fill this out and bring it back to me'. So two days later the Maori brings it back and gives it to the Captain.

The captain takes a quick look at it and says 'OK, you're hired,now go on board and find something to do..'
Just then, this Sudanese guy comes up to the captain and says, 'Looka work, needa work.'

The captain tells him 'OK you're hired.' The Maori is standing right there and asks the captain 'Hey, you made me fill out a 28 page job application and you just hired this guy like that, Why?"

Captain replies 'He's got an honest face'.

The Maori sighs and walks onto the boat, all upset. A few days later, they're out to sea and the Maori is up in the crow's nest looking for reefs and the Sudanese guy is down on the deck mopping the deck. Just then, this huge wave comes along and washes the Sudanese guy overboard.

The Maori gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the Captain's' office and says:
"Remember that Sudanese guy you hired with the honest face?

Well, he just fucked off with your mop!"

The Pope:



The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about celibacy, he occasionally needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!"

"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2 000 000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....two million dollars..."

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" replied the housekeeper. "They must have seen you coming!"

It ain't right, but you'll laugh at it!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=OBWyO4BB7f4

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.


These are her own words.:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends.

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One time the teacher had a birthday and the kids all brought her gifts.
The first little girl set her gift on the teacher's desk and the teacher knew her Dad owned a candy shop. So sure enuff there was a box of candy.

The student set his gift on the teacher's desk and the teacher knew his Dad owned a flower shop. So sure enuff there was a box of flowers.

Then came Johnny with his box and the teacher was real nervous because Johnny's Dad owned a liquor store. He sat the gift on the teacher's desk and she notice a wet spot on the box so she touched her finger to it and then to her tongue and ask "Johnny, is this Brandy?" He replied "no Mam" then she touched her finger to the wet spot again and asked "Johnny is this Whiskey?" He replied "no Mam". Then she said "OK before I open it please whisper in my ear what it is" Johnny leaned over and whispered "it's a puppy !"

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.



For $100 tip, in addition to the cab fare from the Toronto airport, the cabbie agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom.



The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!



The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.


HE paid for the Corvette I gave you!
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible!
HE paid for your Maple Leafs season tickets!
HE paid for your Argo season tickets!
HE paid for our cottage in the Muskoka’s!
HE paid for our speed boat!
HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!!!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.



He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies,



'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold… and give him back the Leafs tickets!'

Ear Infection

This is so true!They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING!

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel named Alfred with two huge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel named Marie, who had one perfect camel hump.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby boy camel, born with no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.

They finally decided on ... are you ready for this???
'
'
'
'
'Humpfree

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.


The curator of the gallery realized that they were having troubleinterpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?’, asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'


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