Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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http://youtube.com/watch?v=KqPCcV7lHzc

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine

"What was that for?" he asked

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it," she replied

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name
of one of the horses I bet on," he explained

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was
a good explanation

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she
walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the
iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he
asked, "What was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

How to Simulate Shipboard Life
(Suggestions for the Ex-sailor who misses the Good Old Days)

1. Sleep on the shelf in your bedroom closet.

2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.

3. Four hours after you go to sleep, have your wife open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble,"time to relieve the watch", then say "whoops, wrong rack".

4. Build a wall in the middle of your bathtub, and lower the shower head to chest level.

5. While showering, have wife turn off water after you are soapy.

6. Put used lube oil in you humidifier and turn it on high, or recycle it in your hot water heater!

7. On TV watch only old movies in the middle of the night, have your family vote on the movie to watch, then tune in a different one.

8. (Mandatory for snipes) Leave the lawnmower running in the living room for 24 hours.

9. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

10. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, watch the soot land on your neighbor's car, laugh when he curses you.

11. Buy a trash compactor, use it once a week and store the trash in the other half of the bathtub.

12. Wake up at midnight, have peanut butter on stale bread.

13. Make up the family menu a month in advance without regard for the inventory on hand.

14. Set all alarms to go off at same time (after 2200 hours), when they go off, muster your family in the backyard, grab the garden hose and wet down your house. Or put on stereo headphones, stand in front of the kitchen stove and say to no one in particular, "manned and ready, sir".

15. Once a week take every major appliance apart, and put it back together whether it works or not!

16. Use 12 scoops of coffee grounds for 8 cups water. 16 scoops if it's after midnight.

17. Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie under it and read a book.

18. Invite 85 people over to stay for 2 or 3 months.

19. Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.

20. When baking a cake: prop up 1 end of the pan,bake, then level it out with icing.

21. Twice a month, throw the cat in the pool, shout "man overboard", run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes off the table and yell at your wife for not having the place stowed for sea.

22. Fill your basement half full of water, set the alarms again, muster, then get the bucket brigade going.

Two twin boys wake up on their 6th birthday and decide that they are finally grown men.

John turns to James and says "The only way that people will believe that we are grown ups is to cuss. From now on, I will use the word damn whenever I can."

James agrees and says "From now on, I will use the word ass whenever I can."

They shake on it, get dressed, and head downstairs.

Their mom turns to them and says "Happy Birthday. For breakfast you can have anything you want."

John pipes up and says "Give me some of them damn Cheerios."

Amazed at the language, their mom grabs hold of John, drags him outside and wears his ass out with a wooden spoon.

John runs back into the house crying and the mother returns and quietly says "Well James, what would you like for breakfast?"

James replies "You can bet your ass I'm not asking for any of them damn Cheerios!"

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree
to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs: After
every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next
flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked
with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only
major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.




P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.


P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.




P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now."

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and
the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said
to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've
got dogs with us."

The one w ith the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on
a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is
my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very
good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but
thought, "Wha t the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and
started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a
fucking Chihuahua?!"

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

" Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Iceberg, ...... no mattah... alla same."

So the Priest and Rabi are on the 9th hole next to the interstate and about to tee off and this funeral procession passes by and the Rabi drops his club and drops to his knees and starts praying what appears to be a most sincere prayer in front of his golfing companion.
"Gee", the Father exclaimes. "I'm really touched by your sensitivity and caring, taking the time from your game to pray for a lost soul".
"Yep", replies the Rabi, getting to his feet, "We were married for 43 years and I feel I have to show some respect".

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a White powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue Smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a Year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

Harry then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harr y rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life .. Just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a Preposition.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight .

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

A man was stranded for several months on an island when one day he noticed a small boat anchored a few hundred yards offshore.

Before he could get over his excitement, a woman wearing a wetsuit comes up out of the water and walks onshore.

"I'm saved," he yells, "I've been trapped here for months! Can you take me back to the mainland."

"Sure, I can take you back. But since you've been here for so many months, is there anything you would like right now?"

The man answered, "What I miss most about civilization would have to be alcohol.
You wouldn't happen to have anything to drink, would you?"

The woman unzips one of the pocket in her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask of whiskey, which she hands to the man.
"Is there anything else you've missed?" she asks.

"Well, I always loved relaxing with a fine cigar after a hard days work."

The woman unzips another pocket and pulls out several cigars and a lighter which she gives to the man. "Anything else?"

The man thinks for a moment.
He has a way home, whiskey and cigars.
"Nothing that comes to mind," he replies.

"You've been here for a very long time," she says,
"Wouldn't you like to play around before we leave?"

The man's jaw drops.
"You mean you have a set of golf clubs in your wetsuit too?"

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf
course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her
if she knew what hole he was playing

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind
me. So you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf ball.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached
her again with the same request.
"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be
on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw
the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said
that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales
profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman
for Preparation H, so you see, I'm still a hole behind you."

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the
wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over
to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she
was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders
doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having
any of that Brokeback Mountain stuff in our garden.