Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by rspears

All good fun jb!! I've got to admit my first thought (and big smiles) was wondering what kind of raucous, irreverent replies you'd get if you posted that one on your Mavericks site!!
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(The Mavericks are an invitation only group of NZ car guys, and once invited to join one must get unanimous approval of the vetted members to become a member. One NO vote is a blackball, and you're out with zero recourse. From the limited exposure that I had at the 2014 NSRA Nationals, they are a close-knit group focused on fun and embarrassing one another within the group whenever possible!)

You dribbled a bib-full there. Bang on the mark. None of us are Show Rodders looking for trophys, it's all about good mates and doing things differently just because we can.
And don't give a damn whatever other people think.
Eccentric?
Possibly.
But who cares?
None of us.
.

A British engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan making landmines that look like prayer mats.

He says that prophets are going through the roof.
.

My neighbor recently spent $6,500 on a registered Black Angus bull. He put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. He was beginning to think he had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......he had the Vet come and take a look at him. The vet said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave the neighbor some pills to feed him once per day. My neighbor had to go out of town for a few days and asked me to give the bull his pill each morning, not wanting to skip any. Well, that bull started to service the cows within two days! ALL of the cows and then he broke through the fence and bred with all of another neighbor's cows!!! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

The blonde bought herself a new Mercedes. She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn't move at all. She tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck. Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and they sent a mechanic to the house. The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection
and could not find anything wrong.

Eventually, he asked the blonde, " Are you sure you're using the right gears?"

"Of course I am. I'm not stupid. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night!"

Two guys are out golfing together, as one gets ready to swing he suddenly stops. He looks over to the road and takes off his hat in respect for a funeral procession that he sees driving by.
The other golfer looks at him and says "Wow man, that's really respectful of you."
The man puts his hat back on and replies, "Well, we were married for 27 years!"
.

As I put the car into reverse I think to myself..."This takes me back"
.

Good
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball."
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
.

This was in an Otago newspaper.

Good
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball."
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
.

I'm going to take up coin collecting.

The change will do me good.
.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.
*Grilled Tourist: $5.00
*Broiled Missionary: $10.00
*Fried Explorer: $15.00
*Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They are so full of s**t that it takes all day!"
.

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best Friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
.

The town was inundated with swarms of insects, forcing everyone to remain indoors! The local police sent in swat teams.....

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached Father McCarthy with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passed Father McCarthy a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, Father McCarthy looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward Father McCarthy and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
Father McCarthy put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered:

“She made me a better offer.”
.

I told my wife that the next door neighbor died.

She replied, "Who, Ray?"

I answered quickly, "C'mon, it's way too soon to celebrate like that! Show some respect!!"

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class, was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office; he was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did, and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your Mom,” she screamed. “I did,” he said, “and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”