Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered.......take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

Originally Posted by TOW'D

"Don't be flattered.......take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

I know, my toes were all gramped up in them.

A city slicker named Tommy was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.

Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try. Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.

Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends "how on earth did you manage that?"

"Easy," said Tommy "my wife's an epileptic."...

Last Words

A very loud, and unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way throuhg the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart greeter says," Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart; nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly women stops screaming long enough to say,"Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, hes 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do they really think they look alike?"
"No." replies the greeter," I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice!!"

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She
carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes
out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Man goes to the Doctor and says, Doc, my p*n*s is turning Orange
Doctor asks, what do you do everyday ?
Man replies, oh nothing, just eat cheetos and watch porn.

Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars . .", she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my vife!" Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Vell," Ole says, "neider did I, til you shined dat dang light in her face".

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own..
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through! But once you see the answer, you'll realize that with just a little reflection, you could've come up with it yourself.

Okay, here goes:

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?










"Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down..."

A man entered a bar, and sat beside a good looking woman. "Hi, come here often?" he asked ?
She turned to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, I dont care!! "
He raised his eyebrows, thought for a minute and asked her, "So what law firm do you work for ??"

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche

that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.

When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded,

"I can't believe you stopped me.

This town must be the asshole of the world!"


The magistrate looked at him and replied,

"And you must be what's passing through."

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in

despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down

here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.

Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink

till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the

world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're

already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,

poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of

crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all

the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never

realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Give Me A Piece Of Ass….

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.

The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

A Cowboy goes into a restaurant and orders a "sheepherders breakfast" from a good looking Waitress.
Waitress asks, whats a sheepherders breakfast ?
Cowboy replies "eggs, toast and a piece of ewe"

Q: Why was OJ Simpson cruising around Monica Lewinsky's house ?
A: He heard she likes the Juice.