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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.'
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He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife..
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries, the young man at the next table turned to them. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man begged them to let him buy another meal for them.. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we don't mind sharing everything.'
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again leaned over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'You must be hungry; what is it you're waiting for?'
She answered quietly . . . ..
'The teeth...'
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An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.
He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.
'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.
'No Australian cricket fans in heaven,' replies Saint Peter.
'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.
'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'
'But, but, but, I've been a good man,' replies the Aussie.
'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'
'Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.'
'Oh,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'
'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.'
'Hmmm, anything else?'
'Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.'
'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.'
Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your $30 back, now f*** off.'
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Larry goes to a revival and listens to the preacher. After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you.'
Larry replies: 'Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing.'
The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Larry, how is your hearing now?'
Larry says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!
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Understanding the stimulus Bill
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house.
The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can."
The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it."
The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough. However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
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A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on
a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see
you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having
lost nearly 60lbs!
Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you
follow my instructions?
The Newfie nodded...'I'll tell you though, Lard tunderin Jesus,
I t'aut I was goin to drop dead on dat tird day.
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f*ckin' skippin'.'
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"No, from the f*ckin' skippin"
BUAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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Government job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the military service?'
Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?
This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that
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Photo on the night stand
After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks..
'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?'
He continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'
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A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation?' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied.
'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
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In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the “Suleman”…
You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
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There were 2 men out hunting in the woods and they came upon a large hole in the ground. They could not see the bottom of the hole and were trying to determine how deep it was. They looked around and saw an old Car Transmission where someone had disposed of it in the woods.
"Lets throw this old Transmission in the hole and see how deep it is."
They both struggled and tossed the transmission into the hole, but they never heard it hit bottom. About that time a Hunting Dog came running as fast as it could and dove head first into the hole. They both looked at each other bewildered, wondering what had just happened.
About that time another hunter came running up and asked if the 2 had seen his dog.
"Well as a matter of fact we have. He came running as fast as he could and dove head first into this deep hole in the ground."
The man looking for his dog said "That's impossible, I tied him real tight to an old Transmission."
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A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
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Here's a great video for man candles, called mandles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-6ph7NWoBM
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A boy looks out the window of the airplane he was on, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
