That's how the fight started.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive ... So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's how the fight started.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should
have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.
And that's how the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed 'She's
my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my
car, looked up at me and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down
at him and said, 'Well then which one are you then?'
And that's how the fight started.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for
herself.'
And that's how the fight started.
Nicest Redneck Joke I have Read
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective
look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country
and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd
choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns
and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those If
you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the
phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10
Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart
and still get a lump in your throat when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great
respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned a flag, nor intend to.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid
to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
Involuntary muscular contractions
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman
in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing
while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
Voted Best Joke in Australia
Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache. "
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."