Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Mike P., was yours? LOL

Q: Why blind people do not sky dive?





A: It scares the shit outta the dog.

It is said that President Lincoln was accepting visitors one afternoon, and as the wife of one of his supporters approached, he took her hand, looked into her eyes and remarked, "Madam, when I look into your eyes it's as if all time stops." The matronly lady, not known for her looks, swooned, thanked the President for his kind welcome and walked away feeling very pleased with herself.

A bit later, an aide mentioned to the President, "Mr. President, I was surprised with your welcome to Mrs. Smith, professing her beauty!"

"My good man, I'm not sure what you mean", said the President. "I believe that I told Mrs. Smith that she had a face that would stop a clock!!"

When I first started work at Zenith in 1973 I worked on a chassis assembly line. One day the gal to my right was out sick so one of the replacement filled in for her. This gal liked to sing and she wasn't to bad but I'd heard much better. After a couple of hours listening to her I looked over and said "You know once upon a time I wished I could sing. now I damned sure wish you could". I don't tgink she ever spoke to me again.

Two boys walked into the small-town drug store, and the older one picked up a small box of Tampax, walked back and placed it on the counter beside the cash register. The pharmacist, old enough to be their grandfather, looked down and with a smile asked, "Do you know how to use these, son? How old are you?"
The older boy replied, "I'm 9 sir, and I'm not sure. They're not for me."

"Oh, are they for your mother, or perhaps your sister?", the pharmacist asked.

"Oh no sir, they're for my little brother. He's 4."

Holding back his laugh, the pharmacist asked with a bigger smile, "And why does your little brother need this?"

Confident with his answer, the older boy answered, "We were watching TV and they said if you have this you can swim, play tennis, or even ride a bike, and he can't do any of those things yet!!"

A man sat on his front porch, staring dejectedly at the ground. His neighbor, noticing his gloomy demeanor, walked over to check on him.
“Hey, what’s got you so down?” the neighbor asked.
The man sighed, barely lifting his eyes. The neighbor tried again, but the man just shook his head.
Finally, the neighbor persisted, “Come on, what happened?”
The man sighed deeply and said, “I messed up. I answered one of those tricky questions women ask, and now I’m in the doghouse."
“What kind of question?” the neighbor asked, curious.
“My wife asked me if I’d still love her when she’s old, fat, and ugly.”
The neighbor chuckled, “That’s easy! You just say, ‘Of course, I will.’ Problem solved!”

The man shook his head and groaned, “Yeah, that’s what I *meant* to say. But what actually came out was, ‘Of course, I do.’”

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She and I went to a cafe today.
Two waitresses were having a massive row over how long to leave a tea bag in the cup.
It got so bad it ended up in violence.

The manager came over and apologised to us and said that it had been brewing for ages.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here, have this' he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue.
Then he said to the statue:
‘I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s house and nobody offered me anything!!'

A Genie granted me just one wish, so I wished to be happy.

Now I live with six dwarves and work in a mine.
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Why does it take 7-10 business days to refund my money?

When it takes 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account.
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Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you will lose it!

#1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else. And, try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

# 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this? Please, go and lie down! But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.

# 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating: You are driving a bus from Jurong to Changi. At Bukit Batok, 17 people got on the bus. At Clementi, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. At Outram, 2 people get off and 4 get on. At Marine Parade, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. And at Eunos, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. You then arrive at Changi. Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead this morning, her face is all swollen and bruised and she nearly died. Now she's in Emergency in Hospital.

Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
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Viagra won't make you like 007 but it will make you Roger Moore.
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Originally Posted by johnboy

Viagra won't make you like 007 but it will make you Roger Moore.
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LOL, that one fits differently in NZ and Great Britain than here!