Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7..
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10! That's not fair. He should be made to pay his fair share!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me! The rich always get a break. They are not paying their fair share!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks! They should pay their fair share!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all from this tax reduction. This new tax system exploits the poor! The rich should pay their fair share instead of settling the bill on the backs of the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

12 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Swings

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6 Provide Me Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Plainly; Men Suck

11. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one:

12.Potential Murder Suspect

Forward this information to all the women you know for a good laugh ...... and men who need a warning.


.

STAY
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down
the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my
finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young BLONDE lady, gave me a strange
look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

My youngest Son wanted to know about his stepmom, so I told him,

She was a Marine pilot in Operation Iraqi Freedom. When her plane got hit, she had to bail out over enemy territory.
All she had was a pint of whiskey, a pistol, and an Oregon Posse-supplied survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 insurgents.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last insurgent with her bare hands.

The moral of this horrible story.?
"Stay away from your stepmom when she's been drinking".

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.


My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I’m doing…

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

An old man and an old woman we're fooling around in the closet at a nursing home.

Things were getting hot and heavy. The woman says to the man:

"I should warn you, I have acute angina."

The man replied:

"Thank God, your tits look like hell!"

An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening.... to find two sheriff deputy's standing there.

Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked. "Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."

"Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?" the second deputy questioned.

The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.

"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."


The old man says, "I know sir, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook."

The Tax Office decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

Who needs a Masters Degree?

295780_305128836183243_205344452828349_1172398_1033570816_n.jpg

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be" said the 60-year-old, "You always feel
like you have to pee And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.. "When you're 70, you
don't have a bowel movement anymore
You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You
pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So
what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 9."

Definition Of Irony: The US Department of Agriculture is pleased to report that it has issued the most food Stamps EVER.....and the US Park Service, a part of the US Dept of Agriculture reminds us to "Please Do not Feed the Animals" since they become increasingly dependent on free food and cannot fend for themselves....

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth
drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite
pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat
you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to
you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times

Woman is a man's best friend.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels that he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.



No wait...... sorry...... I'm thinking of beer.

Its beer that does all that.

Sorry.

.

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following
a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it
look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent
taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull
fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

he waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."