Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you need to call a doctor!"


It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.


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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign reads: SEX FROGS Only $20 each! Comes with COMPLETE instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME..."

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A is for apple, and B is for boat,That used to be right, but now it won't float!Age before beauty is what we once said,But let's be a bit more realistic instead.



NowThe New Alphabet:
A's for arthritis;B's the bad back,C's the chest pains,perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!F is for farting and fluid retention,G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.

H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;I for incisions with scars you can show.J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,K is for knees that crack when they bend. L 's for libido, what happened to sex?Mis for memory, I forget what comes next.N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!U is for urinary; troubles with flow;V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know..

W for worry, now what's going 'round?X is for X ray, and what might be found.Y for another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a
German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan),
an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a
Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan,
a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a
Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander,
a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a
Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a
Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a
Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a
Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a
Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban,
an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a
Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a
Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a
Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian
and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't
come in here without a Thai."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

President Obama

Originally Posted by cffisher

President Obama

president or oxymoron

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I seldom need one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

.

I'd vote for this guy...


267225_700b_v1.jpg

Originally Posted by MikeB

I'd vote for this guy...

Which reminds me - saw this today: PETA wants sign to memorialize dead fish | sign, fish, letter - News - The Orange County Register

"PETA wants sign to memorialize fish killed in crash

An Irvine resident representing the group requests that the city place the sign recognizing the suffering of hundreds of saltwater bass that died at the spot."

You have to read the rest of the link to believe that there are really some big numbers of loose screw people in the world

Two good ol' boys in Tennessee were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting
off of work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was
to sneakover to your house Saturday & make love to
your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant
and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute,
scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real
hard about the question. Finally, he says,
"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

Originally Posted by pepi

president or oxymoron

I like your thinking !
Pepi for President

Got this one in a email.................
COFFEE HURTS

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with a friend and his
6-year-old granddaughter. She was pretty animated as she
talked about school and friends and teachers.

As I sipped my coffee, I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. So, I asked, "What does President's Day

mean?"

I was waiting for her reply with something about Washington or

Lincoln, etc. She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out

of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have one more year
of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

I changed my i-Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool..

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police
have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy..

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never fall in love with a tennis player because love means nothing.

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