This rude woman looked at my beer belly the other night and said “Is that Tui or Lion?”
I replied “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”


I told a girl in the pub the other day I could tell what day of the week she was born just by fondling her boobs.
“Really?” she asked. “Go on then; try!”
After two minutes she got impatient, and said “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said “Yesterday.”


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard shouted so loudly I nearly fell in.