Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Ok, KiwiDreamer, you get a trophy for that one; you did the almost impossible, you made me laugh 'til I couldn't get my breath. I am not much of a laugher; the best most folks get from me is a smirk or a humph; that one had me hee-hawing.

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TOUGH SITUATION:

A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington, to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.


I don't know what's worse:


1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis....OR...
3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


Tough call. You decide.

Some of you may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky
Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Young man, and
others. But some of us miss their kind of humour. Not a single swear
word in their routines, and you don't have to be Jewish to enjoy their
jokes.

*A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asks, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

*I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

*I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds
out, she'll kill me!

*Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

*We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

*My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls
it the Dead Sea.

*My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

*My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

*The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

*The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back."Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

*Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

*A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,
how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

*Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

*A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking."
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason is Won Ton
spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In
Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from law school.

*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too
good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She replied, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in
case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two
choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."

*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his
birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says,
"What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.

*Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

*Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

The golfer..........
A man goes to a public golf course in America.
He approaches the attendant behind the counter in the pro shop and says,"I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The attendant behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem.
All of our caddies are out on the course, We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the golfer and said, "No sir Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. And this was the way the rest of the game went -The robot's suggestions were always correct and the golfers entire game was the best game he had ever played.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the attendant behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The attendant behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!
The attendant sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The attendant nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of them didn't show up for work, two of them applied for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop and the other one thinks he's the US President!

MY NEW UROLOGIST - TOUGH GETTING OLD

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

A Retired Person's Perspective

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just
saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very cross.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they
drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day....because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it "the Jim". I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for
murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Politicians should have two terms - one in office and the other in prison


Just remember Einstein's comment:

"There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity;
intelligence has its limits."

I just received from the New Zealand Inland Revenue Dept. an audit on my tax return for 2014, it’s really puzzling me!!!
They are questioning the number of dependants that I claimed for.
Their question was ............. "List all your dependants?"
I replied, "1,000 muslim immigrants that we provide everything for; 1,000 crack / dope heads in rehab; 100,000 bludgers choosing to be on the dole and not even looking for work, 10,000 people in prison, the whole Treaty of Waitangi Gravy Train, 3,000 overstayers here for a ‘working holiday’ and the 120 tossers in the Beehive !!!!
They told me that this was NOT the correct answer..
SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO THE HELL DID I FORGET "?

Texan Sex:

Two cowboys were out drinkin' and talkin' about their favorite sex positions.
One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other Texan.
'What is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear:
'By Je'ez, these feel just like your sister's.’

'Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

GOOD THINKING OFFICER.


"OLD WOMAN SHOOTS HUSBAND"

A police officer called his Chief at the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here Sir. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

IRISH GHOST STORY:

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's supposedly true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.


John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.


Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.


Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other:

"Look Paddy..there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

A Beautiful Golf Story...



Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, “I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"

He says "No, why the fuck you ask me that?

Is it because I'm Chinese?"


"No", I said,

"It's because you're drinking my beer."

A man is stuck in traffic on the Hume Highway at Bass Hill.
He asked a Police officer about the delay, as he is walking from car to car, speaking with each of the drivers.
The Policeman says, “There are three Muslims blocking the traffic and threatening to douse themselves with petrol and set themselves on fire if we don’t get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we’re taking up a collection for them.”
The Man replies “How much have you got so far?”
The Policemen responds, “About 60 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning”