Little known fact. The famous actor Raymond Burr had a lumberjack brother named Tim.
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Little known fact. The famous actor Raymond Burr had a lumberjack brother named Tim.
The missus told me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list.
I don't know why.
Now I can't read a word of it.
"Daddy what's that flower called?"
"That's a chrysanthemum son."
"How do you spell that?"
"No, wait. It's a rose."
I phoned my Scottish boss this morning and said: "Sorry boss, I won't be able to come in today, I've got a bit of a cough."
He said: "You have a wee cough laddie?"
I said: "Oh thanks boss - see you next week!"
I'd bet Jehovah Witnesses have some good knock knock jokes...
Last night I was so drunk I took a cab home.
Now I've got a cab in my garage and I don't know what to do with it.
I've just started my new year's resolution to be less lazy.
Who of those among us can relate??
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.
Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them.
Disneyland. The world's biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.
You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.
Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses
You know...they say an elephant never forgets. What they don't tell you is, you never forget an elephant.
Notice in 'For Sale' column of local newspaper: 'For sale by owner, complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes, excellent condition, no longer needed. Got Married last month and wife knows everything.'
I lived in a houseboat and dated the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
I thought of johnboy when I saw this one! He does love his Lion's Brown!!
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[QUOTE=rspears;598276]I thought of johnboy when I saw this one! He does love his Lion's Brown!!
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A strange thing there Roger. I've had a few Lion Browns every evening for about forty years. When I fell over seven months ago I cracked my head twice pretty damned hard on concrete floors, once at home and again in the hospital. (Not that I remember it - I was told so.)
Since then I haven't touched any alcohol in any way.
And I don't miss it.
So if you want to be teetotal bash your head on the floor!
It might work for you..
Ha! Seems a bit harsh! Hey, I heard that Norway recently put barcodes on all of their Navy gear! Now when they return to port the Harbor Master can simply Scan-De-Navy-In!!Quote:
Originally Posted by johnboy
