Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Who Said Cemeteries Aren't Funny !

Old Tombstone Inscriptions: some great ones!!

🔺Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
"Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was."

🔺In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
"Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up....
and no place to go."

🔺On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
"Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young."

🔺In a London cemetery:
"Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid...
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

🔺In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
" Anna Wallace...
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

🔺In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
"Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising."

🔺 In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
"Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.."

🔺In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
"Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw."

🔺A lawyer's epitaph in England :
"Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange."

🔺John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
" Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,....
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny."

🔺In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June,... "Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune."

🔺 Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
"Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go."

🔺On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
"Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God."

🔺In a cemetery in England :
"Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me."
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
"To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went."

.

The one about Jonathon Blake was from the town I was born in
I never saw it but funny to hear that town here
cheers
Hank

Of course you just made me go back and look! LOL

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
"Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.."

From the 'For Sale' adverts in our local paper: 'Prosthetic leg for sale. Would make a good stocking filler.'

Another newspaper posting:

Lab.jpg

I was digging in the woods when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to hurry home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in the woods.

Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to five today and they all said 'Insufficient Funds.'

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

A student failed in the final law exam and decided to make a deal with the professor.

Student: Sir can I ask you one question?

Professor: Yes

Student:. If you can answer this question, i will accept my final mark, if you can't, you will have to give me an "A" grading.

The professor agreed.

Student asked: "what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither legal nor logical?"

The Professor thought about it for hours and pondered, but couldn't think of an answer.

He had to finally give up as he really didn't know the answer.

He gave his boy an"A" grading as promised.

The following day the professor asked same question to his students. He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.

He asked one student.

He answered:

Sir, you are 65, married to a 28 years old woman, this is legal but not logical.

Your wife is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal.

Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam and yet you have given him an "A", and this is neither logical nor legal.

The Professor fainted....

I did not know this.....

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends

Along the same line, jb...

An elderly lady walked in the local pub and sat at the bar. "Ill have scotch, with three drops of water." The bartender asked "What are you celebrating", and she replied, "I'm 92 today!"
"Well that's a reason to celebrate! Let me buy you a round - in fact I'll buy this one!" As she finished her drink, the fellow to her left said, "Did I hear it's your birthday? I'd like to buy you a drink, too"
"I'll have scotch with three drops of water", she said to the bartender. Again, as she finished her drink another of the regulars called over to the bartender, "I'll buy the birthday girl a round!"
"I'll have scotch with three drops of water". As she was enjoying her third drink the bartender strolled over, "I'm curious, why are you so specific about only three drops of water in your scotch?"

"Well, sonny. At my age I can hold my liquor, but holding my water is a different story!!"

Tom is on his death bed, and whispers to his wife, "Before I die will you give me one last wish?"

Wife - "Anything you want, Tom."

"After I die, will you marry Ernie?"

Wife - "But Tom, I thought you hated Ernie!"

With his dying breath, Tom whispered his last words, "I do!"

I had a blind date last night, but earlier in the day I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there's an app for just that situation. It's called 'Mom Are You Okay' and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?" It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl's door and it turns out I needn't have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning. But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"🤣

I couldn't get into the restaurant without a tie so I used my cars jumper cables.

The manager said "O.K. but don't start anything"