Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Cat in the Hat on Aging.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.... And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him."

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all
three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their
eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night
long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend
to the death its right to do it.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean
by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I missed one?

ORIGIN OF THE HUMAN RACE
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later she asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were evolved from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side."

In one episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this:

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."