Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A little old lady is walking down the street,
> dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand.
>
> There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while
> a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
>
> Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there
> are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
>
> "Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go
> back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the
> warning!"
>
> "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
> get all that money? Did you steal it?"
>
> "Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back
> yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
> Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
> bushes, right into my flower beds!
>
> So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
> clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through
> the bushes, I yell: "'$20 or off it comes!'"
>
> "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By
> the way, what's in the other bag?"
>
> "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay!!!!"
>
> *****************************

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and she says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

"The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Sentence structure is so important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of
two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this
before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sh*t."