Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Grandpa and Grandson were sitting on the porch when an elderly woman walked by. Grandpa said, boy I'd sure like a taste of that old pu..y.
Grandson says "Grandpa, what does old pu..y taste like?"
Grandpa replies "depends"

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny? breasts.
Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say,"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew
Terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
Little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus
closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"

"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

An old guy goes to a new doctor and the doc tells him he is the healthiest senior citizen he has ever met. The old guy says you should meet my dad. The doctor says your dad, he must be 90. Yup 92 last month. Wow the doctor says how do you stay so young. Well we do a lot of hunting, out in the woods moving around, its good for you, as a matter of fact my father and I were out hunting this AM. The doctor says OK, how old was your grandfather when he died. The old guy asks, who said he was dead. The doctor says he has to be dead, he would be in the hundred and teens. The old guy says yep, he will be 114 this year. So the doctor says and I suppose your grandfather was out hunting with you this morning. Old guy says nope, he was getting married this morning. The doctor can't believe it, he says why would a guy 114 years old want to get married. The old guy says who said he WANTS to?
CHAZ

The Tomato Garden


An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would
dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the
entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. The following day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli)
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey,
beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it
as a public service.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”

The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.”

The bartender says, “What've you got?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”