Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

What are dose?" Asks the attendant. They're called tees" replies Tiger.

Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday
morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you
are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that
comes to your mind".

The pastor shouted out "CROSS".

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD
RUGGED CROSS".

The pastor hollered out "GRACE". The congregation began to sing
"AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound".

The pastor said "POWER". The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN
THE BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at
each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing
"PRECIOUS MEMORIES".


You Gotta Love Little Old Ladies!

>>While I was watching the NFL playoff games one weekend, my wife and
>>I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for
>>living
>>wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that
>> I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some
>>machine
>>and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and
>>threw
>>out
>>all my beer.
>>
>>Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

friends don't let friend drive !!!

Three simple steps to solve three major issues.
1. Deepen the the Rio Grande river bed by digging and dredging.
2. Use the dredged dirt to shore of the levees in New Orleans.
3. Fill the Rio Grande with Florida alligators.

A little thinking goes a long way towards helping out.

Italy funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is wider
than its shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1,800,000 euros.
The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study
on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect. After three year of research and cost in excess of 2,500,000 euros they concluded that the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, the Irish decided to
conduct their own study. The Irish didn't really trust the Italian or French
studies.
So after nearly three days of intensive research and at a cost of
approximately 36 euros, the Irish study came to the final conclusion
that the real reason that the head of a man's penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent your hand flying off and hitting your forehead.

Sorry guys but this is the way it was.

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli .

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE.. and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym)
instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

Very true. And how did we ever survive without CELL PHONES ?? I didn't own one til I was 60, and only got one because my ex-wife bought me one for Christmas. (Always knew she hated me. )

Don

very well put RestoRod. I didn't get into much trouble at school, not because of the teacher, but because of what was gonna happen when I got home.

I remember when we racked leaves and piled them at the curb. Then got potatos wraped in foil, put them in the leaves and had a bon-fire and ate baked potatos for pay for raking the leaves . Played kick the can or soft ball in the street don't do that now I did walk a mile to school and back but it was level ground. At school we had nuns, screw up and they had another use for the ropes around there wast other than holding a rosery. In h/s in drafting class if you talked you got to kneel on an architect scale. Talk in biolegy and you went to the hall with the teacher. He would reach behind the door and grab his paddel (the same one you made in shop class) you'd get to bend over grab your jewels and hope it was over soon. You didn't call a cop for child abuse and you didn't tell your folks when you got home or the old man had a razor strap hanging on the basement door. I don't know that things are better now in fact I doubt it.

Remember getting "put out in the hall" for misbehaving? I always tried to look like I belonged there until the period was over so the Principal wouldn't find me and take me to the office for the "board of education."


Don