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For those with an Iphone, type in Lardass and see what the auto correction is.....Your welcome!!

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lawn mower and electric fences

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never...

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When you just don't have the time to make your lunch!!

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so...

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many...

Woman Sends Email Complaining to Tech Support.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance...

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A church's bell ringer passed away.
The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job.
The clergy weren't sure he could do...

The Golfer's Confession


A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some...

Differences Between You And Your Boss

If you take a long time, you're slow.
BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

If you don't do it, you're lazy.
BUT if your boss doesn't do it,...

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That's right!!

My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?"
I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house."
He said, "So?" ...

Dinner
Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner.
He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book:
honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in...

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
A: A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.

Speaking of work . . .
We got this letter today

Revisions are as follows:

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor,...

INTERESTING STUFF


In the 1400's a law was set forth in England
that a man was allowed to beat his wife
with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
...

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose??
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they...

The Purina Diet

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at ASDA and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The...

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