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Prince Harry's Bachelor Party - Quote of the Day...

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill
has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

People frequently complain about the police, but you rarely hear about
the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen
carburetor. Last January on a bitterly...

Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM. He sat down next to
a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 6 PM
news was coming on. The news crew was...

I was talking to a Mexican guy the other day and the subject came up about the "wall".
"The folks in Mexico must be really upset about a wall being built between our two countries",I said,
"That's...

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to...

The other day a friend commented about the many wrinkles in my face.
"Those aren't wrinkles," I said. "Those are laugh lines."
I think I heard him mumble under his breath, "Nothing could be that...

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are...

Walking Downtown . . .. . .

So, I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store, so I went in.

As I...

Been there.
Done that.
You have my sympathy.

-At my age I realize that:


1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people...

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San...

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the
car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that...

.. BAGPIPE FUNERAL

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow
that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment...

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not...

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and...

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a woman
in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
with her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.

I...

The Darwin's are out ...

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38...

A very successful American lawyer parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road,...

Blonde MEN Jokes

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
...

Canada always ready to help!

Press release:

The Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, met with the President
of the United States and strongly supported the war on terrorism.

Prime...

Romance


Barb was lying in bed one night. Al was falling asleep but Barb
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.

"...

Holiday parties and driving experience---

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being...

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.

Then the Doctor's nurse came in. As she shut the door, she looked at me and then
she slowly whispered, very cautiously into my ear, so that no one...

A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south
Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes
careful aim, shoots and kills him.

"You can't do that!"...

Last Fall my buddy asked me if I knew of a good place to hunt. I said I did and the next morning he and I loaded up our rifles and headed for our hunting area.
"First I have to stop and ask the...