Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.


It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make
to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...











PINO MORE

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife
tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, 'I will need
a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
'What did he say?'

The wife yells back to him, 'Give him your underwear!'

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.


Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'


'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. We got to a difficult hole and both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.


We went to look for them. While I was looking around. I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.


I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's behind.


Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'


I don't remember much after that...

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding
time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't
feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said
that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little
girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.

'Well,' the father asked, 'did you enjoy your ride with mommy?'

'Oh yes, Daddy' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single dumb b*stard or lousy sh*t head!'

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant
outside the Toronto immigration offices.

"My good man," the fairy said, "I've been told to grant you three
wishes since you just arrived in Canada with your wife and three
children."
The man told the fairy. "Well, where I come from we don't have good
teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three
car garage in Markham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of
my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them
all over here."
PING!
In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three
car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale
neighbourhood.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like a Canadian. With Canadian
clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like Canadians."
PING!
The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Blue Jays T-shirt
and a Maple Leaf baseball cap. However, he had his bad teeth back and
the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD .......



The fairy said "Tough luck, Jack. Now that you are a Canadian, you
have to fend for yourself." And she disappeared!

Looks like the Washington State University Vet program really dropped a bomb this time....
They started out doing a Hybrid Salmon project and crossed a
Muskie with a Koho and a Walleye and ended up with a Kowalski.
The project failed cuz the damn thing couldn't figure out how to swim and drowned.

DT.

PS...Sorry!

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "Oh, that's my pet rooster, Roscoe. Wherever I go Roscoe goes." "I am sorry sir," said the ticket agent "we can't allow Animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Roscoe could stick his head out and watch it.

Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "i think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry a bout it," said marge,
"Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all" "I thought so too," said Mildred,
"but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped to a whisper, "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine! And she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary
Katherine! For shame!! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's
constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat. "And so it is," she replied,
"When she sees me, she's gonna sh*t."

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached
the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally
the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and
quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She
took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Wisdom of Larry The Cable Guy . .



1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in
the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck
happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

bought me new place today

we dont hunt a lot of squirrels in alabama

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..."
Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you.

She was Soooooooo Blonde ...
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' she wrote 'Sagittarius.'

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics'

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate.'
* She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' she turned around and went home.

She was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.'


AND MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE:
She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company .