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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #4156
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Yesterday Harry had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
    Of course he was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
    The waiting room was filled with patients.
    As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrester.
    Harry gave her his name.
    In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
    All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Harry, a now very embarrassed man.
    But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

    The room erupted in applause.
    .
    NTFDAY, glennsexton, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  2. #4157
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,853

    Yesterday Harry had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
    Of course he was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
    The waiting room was filled with patients.
    As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrester.
    Harry gave her his name.
    In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
    All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Harry, a now very embarrassed man.
    But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

    The room erupted in applause.
    .
    NTFDAY, stovens and t-top havoc like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  3. #4158
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,853

    As you get older, have you noticed that your feet are getting further away from your hands when putting socks on?
    .
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  4. #4159
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
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    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,853

    I don't always carry all the groceries on one arm...
    But when I do my keys are always in the wrong pocket...
    ,
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  5. #4160
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,853

    What do you call a cow that has a bad twitch?

    Beef jerky.
    .
    NTFDAY, stovens and JOATMON like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  6. #4161
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,853

    Young Ethelred was only three
    -Or somewhere thereabouts when he
    Began to show in diverse ways
    The early stages of the craze
    Of knowing the particulars
    Of motor bikes and motor cars.
    It started with a little book
    To enter numbers which he took,
    And though his mother often said
    "Now do be careful Ethelred.
    Oh dear, oh dear, what should I do
    If anything ran over you?"
    (Which Ethelred could hardly know
    And sometimes crossly told her so)
    It didn't check his zeal a bit
    But rather seemed to foster it.
    Indeed it would astonish you
    To hear of all the things he knew;
    He'd guess the make and get it right
    Of every car that came in sight.
    He knew as well its MPG
    Its MPH and £sd,
    What gears it had, what brakes and what;
    In short he knew an awful lot.
    Now when a boy thinks day and night
    Of motor cars with all his might
    He gets affected in the head
    And so it was with Ethelred.
    He took long drinks from mug and cup
    To fill his radiator up.
    And went about upon all fours
    And usually, to get indoors
    He pressed a button then reversed
    And went in slowly backmost first.
    He called himself a Packford Eight
    And wore a little number plate
    Attached behind with bits of string
    He looked just like the real thing.
    He drove himself to school and tried
    All day to park himself outside.
    At which the head became irate
    And caned him on his number plate.
    And then one day an oily smell
    Hung round him and he wasn't well.
    "That's odd" he said, "I wonder what
    Has caused this rumbling pain I've got?"
    No car should get an aching tum
    from taking in petroleum".
    At that he cranked himself but no
    He couldn't get himself to go.
    He merely whirred a bit inside
    A faint chug-chug, and then he died.


    Now as his petrol tank was full,
    They labelled him inflammable
    And wisely saw to it that he
    Was buried safely out at sea.
    So if at any time your fish
    Should taste a trifle oilyish
    You'll know that fish has lately fed
    On what remains of Ethelred.
    .
    NTFDAY, stovens and JOATMON like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  7. #4162
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    Internet went down and I had to spend time with the family.
    They seem like good people.
    ,
    NTFDAY, glennsexton, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  8. #4163
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,853

    My wife is of the opinion that I'm useless with repairing electrical appliances.

    Well She's due for a shock.
    .
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  9. #4164
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe, '32 HiBoy Roadster
    Posts
    11,159

    As I get older, I remember all of the people I've lost along the way.
    .
    .
    Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
    NTFDAY, johnboy, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  10. #4165
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by johnboy View Post
    My wife is of the opinion that I'm useless with repairing electrical appliances.

    Well She's due for a shock.
    .
    JB's voltage tester...
    -
    FB_IMG_1730341481801.jpg
    -
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, johnboy and 2 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  11. #4166
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    May 2005
    Location
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    I got SWMBO to help me put in a new board fence around our new section. I gave her the new hammer, told her that I would hold the board and when I nodded She was to hit it.

    I don't remember much after that.
    ,
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  12. #4167
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    Ants are everywhere!

    1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
    2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
    3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
    4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
    5. A spy ant = Informant
    6. A very little ant = Infant
    7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
    8. An ant that is a specialist = Consultant😂
    9. A proud ant = Arrogant🤔
    10. An ant that is cruel and oppressive = Tyrant
    11. An ant that is friendly and lovely = Coolant
    12. An ant that has changed from evil to good deeds = Repentant
    13. An ant that accumulated so much food in summer for use in winter = Abundant
    14. An ant that isn’t willing = Reluctant
    15. An ant that keeps financial account = Accountant
    16. An ant that occupies a flat = Occupant
    17. A huge ant = Giant
    18. An ant that is important = Significant
    19. An ant that has big legs = Elephant
    20. A sarcastic ant = Mordant
    21. An extremely fast ant = Instant
    22. A noisy ant = Rant
    23. An ant that doesn't keep moving = Constant
    24. A dirty ant = Pollutant
    25. An ant that annoys = Irritant
    26. An ant that lacks knowledge= Ignorant
    27. An ant that can take anything without complaining= Tolerant
    28. An ant that wastes resources= Extravagant
    29. A very careful ant = Vigilant
    30. An ant that maintains good odour = Deodorant
    31. An ant that finds it hard to move = adamant
    32. An ant that refused to move = Redundant
    33. An ant that is into business = Merchant
    34. A Political ant = Aspirant
    35. An ant that sues someone to court= Complainant
    36. A happy ant = Jubilant
    37. An ant that is patient - tolerant
    38. An ant that does not cooperate - recalcitrant
    39. An ant that doesn't agree easily - reluctant
    40. An ant that runs away from school unjustified -Truant.
    .
    NTFDAY, stovens and JOATMON like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  13. #4168
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe, '32 HiBoy Roadster
    Posts
    11,159

    An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
    "Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

    "Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

    "Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
    The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

    "So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"

    "I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
    Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,

    "For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”
    Last edited by rspears; 11-02-2024 at 02:53 PM.
    NTFDAY and JOATMON like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  14. #4169
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe, '32 HiBoy Roadster
    Posts
    11,159

    He told his wife she should embrace her mistakes, and it would help her build confidence, make better decisions and help them achieve their goals. She gave him a hug.....
    Last edited by rspears; 11-02-2024 at 09:45 AM.
    NTFDAY, johnboy, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  15. #4170
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,853

    A biker was tearing down Main Street when a police officer pulled him over.
    "But officer," the biker began, "I can explain..."
    "Quiet!" snapped the officer. "You’re cooling your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
    "But officer, I just wanted to say..."
    "And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!"
    A few hours later, the officer checked on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back."

    "Don’t count on it," replied the biker from his cell. "I’m the groom."
    .
    NTFDAY, rspears and JOATMON like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

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