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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3961
    NTFDAY's Avatar
    NTFDAY is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: '66 Mustang, 76 Corvette
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    Quote Originally Posted by TOW'D View Post
    "Hello?"
    "Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
    "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
    "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
    Brief Pause.
    "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
    "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
    "And what happened honey?" he asked.
    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
    "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
    "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you pumped out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn't moving either."
    ***Long Pause***
    ***Longer Pause***
    ***Even Longer Pause***
    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

    glennsexton and Navy7797 like this.
    Ken Thomas
    NoT FaDe AwaY and the music didn't die
    The simplest road is usually the last one sought
    Wild Willie & AA/FA's The greatest show in drag racing

  2. #3962
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe, '32 HiBoy Roadster
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    Also posted on FB MarketPlace
    -
    brush.jpg
    NTFDAY likes this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  3. #3963
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    New Bedford
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
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    doesn't look like they even started it up yet! LOL.. Here, hold my beer!
    NTFDAY, TOW'D and t-top havoc like this.

  4. #3964
    TOW'D is online now CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
    I wouldn't pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
    NTFDAY likes this.

  5. #3965
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I'm going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

    I'm going to call it My Oughtabiography.
    NTFDAY and t-top havoc like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  6. #3966
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
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    A sexy Maureen went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to Kevin the bartender who approached her immediately.
    She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.
    "Are you the manager?" she asked softly, stoking his face with both hands.
    "Actually no", he replied.
    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him'" she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
    "I'm afraid I can't," breathed Kevin, "Is there anything I can do?"
    "Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
    "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
    "Tell him" she whispered," there’s no toilet paper, hand-soap or paper towels in the ladies room."
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, rspears and 3 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  7. #3967
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, and then the new school year began.

    One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across.

    The next day they did the same thing, and the day after that.

    The retiree then decided it was time to take some action.

    The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day, and do your thing".

    The boys were more than happy, and continued to bang the bins. After a few days, the old man greeted the kids, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
    "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50 cents a day for you to keep banging the bins."

    The kids were obviously unimpressed, but they accepted the reduction in payment, and continued their afternoon activities.

    A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my payment yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

    "That's it?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25 cents each a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

    And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, JOATMON and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  8. #3968
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    As a hobby I keep ten beehives. My queen bees are now getting older and slowing down, so I ordered ten more queens from an apiarist. They arrived, but there were eleven arrived in their containers.
    So I notified them of their mistake.
    They promptly got back to me to tell me that the eleventh was a freebie.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, glennsexton and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  9. #3969
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Location
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    The only time I ever get asked for sex is on application forms.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  10. #3970
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    I had to go to the doctor's this morning. He told me that my sugar was too high so I came home and put it on a lower shelf.

    I feel better already.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, glennsexton and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  11. #3971
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe, '32 HiBoy Roadster
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    OK, some people shouldn't be allowed to buy complex machines 🙄
    -
    FB_IMG_1716129525880.jpg
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, johnboy and 3 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  12. #3972
    HOSS429's Avatar
    HOSS429 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by rspears View Post
    OK, some people shouldn't be allowed to buy complex machines 🙄
    -
    Attachment 75954
    home depot shopper .
    34_40 likes this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  13. #3973
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
    "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
    5:00."
    "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
    As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...be some drinkin'."
    "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
    "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."
    "More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
    "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
    "Don't much matter ...Just gonna be the two of us."
    Last edited by johnboy; 05-19-2024 at 09:41 PM.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  14. #3974
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    Two men out hunting came upon a huge hole in the ground and were amazed at the size of it.
    "Wow, that's a huge hole; wonder how deep it is?"
    " I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen to find how long it takes to hit bottom."
    "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."
    So they picked the transmission up and heaved it into the hole. They are looking over the edge and listening for it to hit when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and without hesitation, jump in headfirst and disappear instantly.
    While standing there staring at each other in amazement, trying to figure out what that was all about, a farmer saunters up. "Say there, did you happen to see my goat around here anywhere?”
    “Funny you should ask, we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came blasting out of the bushes doin' bout a 100 miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this huge hole!"
    The farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission.
    NTFDAY, 34_40, JOATMON and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  15. #3975
    TOW'D is online now CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
    He asks, "What was that for?"
    She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it."
    He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
    She shrugs and walks away.

    Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
    He asks, "What was that for?"
    She answers, "Your horse called!"
    NTFDAY, johnboy, 34_40 and 1 others like this.

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