Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree4770Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 260 of 262 FirstFirst ... 160 210 250 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 LastLast
Results 3,886 to 3,900 of 3926
  1. #3886
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,636

    That's a doozy Hank, better than anything I've ever posted.

    And I'm never going to tell you how many I got right!
    TOW'D and t-top havoc like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  2. #3887
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    789

    John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"
    His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal."
    For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. "Are you sure these plates are clean?" he asked.
    Without looking up, Grandpa said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!"
    Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
    John said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get by!"
    Grandpa yelled to the dog, "Cold Water, shut up and go lie down"!

  3. #3888
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,576

    A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

    Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

    "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

    Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

    Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

    Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

    "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, johnboy and 3 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  4. #3889
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,636

    Just helped my neighbour bury a rolled up carpet in the bush out back.
    She said her husband would have done it, but he is out of town.
    It's nice to help people ...
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, glennsexton and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  5. #3890
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    789

    A duck hunter was out on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

    He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

    Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, shooting him in the genitals.

    Several hours later, he woke up on a hospital bed. His doctor said,"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

    "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

    "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your peniz. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

    "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

    "Not exactly," answered the doctor.



    "She's a flute player. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pi$$ in your eye."
    NTFDAY and JOATMON like this.

  6. #3891
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,636

    When we were young, we used to sneak out of our homes to go to parties.

    Now we're older we sneak out of parties to go home.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  7. #3892
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe, '32 HiBoy Roadster
    Posts
    11,001

    So my littlest grandkid asked me, "Grandpa, where's poo come from?" Always the engineer I struggled with the level of detail needed to explain without getting overly technical and came up with what I thought was a good summary level explanation of the intake of food, chewing, digestion and how the body makes energy by using all of the good parts of the food, leaving everything that can't be used as waste, that comes from our bottom as "poo".

    He listened attentively, but the look on his face showed quite a bit of concern. After a pause he finally asked, "And Tigger?"
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, glennsexton and 2 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  8. #3893
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,636

    Someone ripped the 5th month from my calendar.

    I'm dismayed......
    NTFDAY, TOW'D and t-top havoc like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  9. #3894
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    789

    As Ben Franklin said:
    In wine there is wisdom,
    In beer there is freedom.
    In water there is bacteria.

    In a number of carefully controlled trails, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.Coli)- bacteria Found in Faeces.
    In other words, we are consuming 1 Kilo of poop.
    However;
    We do not run the risk when drinking wine&beer.(Or tequila, rum, whisky in a jug or other liquor)
    Because alcohol has to go through a purification process.
    of boiling, filtering and or fermenting.
    Remember:

    Water = Poop,
    Wine = Health.
    Therefore it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
    Than drink water and be full of Poop

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
    I'm doing it as a public service!
    NTFDAY and t-top havoc like this.

  10. #3895
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,636

    A married couple were on safari when a lion leaps from the bush and drags the husband off.

    "SHOOT" he screams at his wife. "SHOOT!"

    "I CAN'T!" she shouts back, 'YOU HAVE THE CAMERA!"
    Last edited by johnboy; 02-20-2024 at 08:27 PM.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D and t-top havoc like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  11. #3896
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    789

    An old man had always wanted a pair of fancy cowboy boots so on a vacation out west he found a man who custom made him a pair of them.

    He came back to the hotel where he and his wife were staying and was wearing his fancy new boots with his jeans tucked it to really show off his boots. He walked in and asked his wife "Notice anything different?"

    She glance over and said "Nope".

    The old man went in the bathroom and stripped down stark naked and put his boots back on and walked back out and asked again "Now do you see anything different?"

    His wife looked and said "Nope. It was hanging down before and its still hanging down now!"

    The old man replied "Its hanging down because it is looking at my brand new boots!"

    The old lady shook her head and replied "Then you should have bought a hat instead!"
    NTFDAY, stovens and t-top havoc like this.

  12. #3897
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,636

    Never buy flowers from monks.

    That way you can stop florist friars.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D and t-top havoc like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  13. #3898
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,636

    My Visa was declined at the sweater shop.

    So the cashier had to ask for my cardigan.
    NTFDAY likes this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  14. #3899
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    789

    All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.



    If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

    I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

    If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

    Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

    Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're a twat.

    Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

    Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

    Get a new car for your partner - it should be a good trade!

    Chastity is curable.............. if detected early enough

    Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of checks

    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

    There's no future in time travel.

    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

    I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

    The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    I have friends who swear they dream in color...I think it's just a pigment of their imagination.

    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

    A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

    As I said before, I never repeat myself.

    Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    I couldn't care less about apathy.

    I bet you I could stop gambling.
    NTFDAY and johnboy like this.

  15. #3900
    Driver50x's Avatar
    Driver50x is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Saint Petersburg, Florida
    Posts
    430

    My favorite tee shirt: “Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyeballs”
    NTFDAY and TOW'D like this.
    Steve

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink