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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2941
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
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    Allah be praised!!!

    A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.

    When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

    Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. And since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

    The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

    Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"
    lamin8r, CR55 and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  2. #2942
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    A student asked his english professor, “what is the definition of a dilemma?"

    the professor said, “well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that."

    "imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other."

    "who are you going to turn your back on?"
    lamin8r, 40FordDeluxe and Mudduck3 like this.

  3. #2943
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    There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.

    She got excited and said: “sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

    But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said :



    666136429
    ted dehaan, 34_40, lamin8r and 1 others like this.

  4. #2944
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    Bloke goes to Thailand and picks up a lovely new wife.

    A year later his mate at the golf club asks “How’s that lovely wife you picked up in Thailand ?”

    “She died – rather suddenly”

    “Oh I am sorry – what happened?”




    “Prostate cancer”

  5. #2945
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    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of The night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking pals on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
    34_40, lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  6. #2946
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    THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

    1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

    2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

    3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

    4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

    5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

    6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

    7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

    8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

    9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

    10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

    11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

    12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

    13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

    14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

    15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

    16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

    17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

    18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

    19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
    Rrumbler, 34_40, lamin8r and 3 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  7. #2947
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Those made me laugh, Glen, thanks. So, it appears that stupidity is not exclusive to Americans, as many would like us to think, huh?

    .
    glennsexton and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  8. #2948
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    Whatever you do - go to the bathroom before you watch this or you will wet your pants!!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkQlmoF0XIE
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  9. #2949
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rrumbler View Post
    , it appears that stupidity is not exclusive to Americans,

    .
    My word no!
    Stupidity is Universal.
    We've got people here in NZ that are so stupid they can put their trousers on back-to-front and never notice until they want to pee.
    How do I know this?

    I've employed some of them!
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  10. #2950
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    Fears....

     



    Posted by our friend, Ken Thurm on FB....

    Fear of the Wurst.jpg
    Rrumbler, stovens, lamin8r and 1 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  11. #2951
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    Quote Originally Posted by johnboy View Post
    My word no!
    Stupidity is Universal.
    We've got people here in NZ that are so stupid they can put their trousers on back-to-front and never notice until they want to pee.
    How do I know this?

    I've employed some of them!
    Imagine the panic that sets in as they realize they have put on a pair of defective pants??

  12. #2952
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    The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

    The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

    But the Pope persists, "Please?"

    The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

    So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

    Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

    Chief: What sort of problem?

    Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.

    Chief: Important like the mayor?

    Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

    Chief: Important like the governor?

    Cop: Way more important than that.

    Chief: Like the president?

    Cop: Much more important.

    Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"

    Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
    lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    It is easy to make a small fortune in Hot Rods. Just start with a large one.......

  13. #2953
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    Just think about this.
    If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family!
    Rrumbler, johnboy, lamin8r and 3 others like this.

  14. #2954
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    Dr. Geezer

    An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
    He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not
    cured, I'll pay you $1,000."

    Doctor "Young", who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
    thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you help me ??"

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

    Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations, you've got your taste back. That will be $500."

    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

    Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

    Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so," Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

    Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your eyesight back! That will be $500."

    Moral of the story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
    outsmart an "old Geezer"

    Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place,
    so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

  15. #2955
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    Well,now,fitzwilly..That has to be the joke of the month.. Awesome..
    Rrumbler likes this.
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

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