the Official CHR joke page duel

[john gemmer]

Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
I'll be right down. Let's see Anita, Ia to Mohave Valley at 80 MPH average, should be about 20 hours.

sh sh don't tell anyone I developing a new chocolate peanut butter fuge cookie can't spell to good my mouth is watering up to much smelling them cook

[Oldf100fordman]

Originally posted by john gemmer
sh sh don't tell anyone I developing a new chocolate peanut butter fuge cookie can't spell to good my mouth is watering up to much smelling them cook

Dang, Can you say "Road Trip". That sounds really delicious, John.

[DennyW]

Subject: A Heart Warming Story





This will warm your heart.

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. . . Someone who teaches at

a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored

a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as

a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to

all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!



Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens

luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for

the Aged. All of my family has passed away I am all alone now and it's nice

to know that someone is thinking of me God bless you for your kindness to an

old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but

before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she

was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into

a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could

listen to mine, and I said kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.



Sincerely, Edna Walters

[Oldf100fordman]

Originally posted by john gemmer
http://www.topeuro.co.uk/blagger/the_duel.html

Man, John we done forgot the jokes. And I forgot to thank you for that link. That was really great.

[john gemmer]

O kay before I get in to trouble for hijacking the post here another joke A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Crown Royal and women with big boobs

[DennyW]

Computer Viruses



PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known but doesn't do anything. Secretly you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know its guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files reported as the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This virus doesn't horse around, warns you of impending attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Thier is sumthing rong with yur koputer, but ewe cant figyur outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless. But it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing; but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin on error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self destructs only to surface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your program can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you abill for $4,500.00.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly saying; "Read my docs...No New Files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

[DennyW]

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"No, I am an undercover detective."

"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Police Help...

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

"The Wind Sure Does Blow....."

A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get tornadoes out here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it ran into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces." The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a drive-in theater it once blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle."

A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do you stand the wind blowing every single day?" The rancher said, "You just have to get used to it -- learn to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the wind stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the cattle in the panhandle plumb fell over."

It was so windy the prairie dogs were digging holes 40 feet in the air.

During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker and applied for a loan. The banker warned him, "I'll have to come out and inspect the property first." The rancher replied, "That won't be necessary. Here it comes now."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Technology? Good or Bad

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Golf....

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

[john gemmer]

Originally posted by DennyW
Subject: A Heart Warming Story





This will warm your heart.

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. . . Someone who teaches at

a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored

a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as

a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to

all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!



Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens

luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for

the Aged. All of my family has passed away I am all alone now and it's nice

to know that someone is thinking of me God bless you for your kindness to an

old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but

before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she

was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into

a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could

listen to mine, and I said kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.



Sincerely, Edna Walters

Oh denny! denny! what are we going to do with you ? I know give me more that was great

[DennyW]

Time Off

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

"Home. I can't work in the dark."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

"Proposal"

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

"Taking Pictures"

Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward their end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera.

"Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."

When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?"

"Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Funny anonymous quotes:

When short hemlines came back into fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out of my closet. I tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with my other leg.

Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

[Oldf100fordman]

Denny, you've come up with a couple of great jokes. Thanks bud.
And John, nice chatting about chocolate with you.

[DennyW]

Subject: laughs


If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares
and its comics, this may bring a tear to your
eyes. These great questions and answers are from
the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show
responses were spontaneous and clever, not
scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions,
of course.


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads
under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump,
at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as
5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep.
Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me
awake.


Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at
a party and you think that he is
attractive, is it okay to come out and
ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish
as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three
words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a
pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't
Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture
more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture
you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get any
during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
subjects at nudist camps. One is politics,
what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the
bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always
safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag
his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what
would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never
be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything
wrong with getting into the habit of
kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of
your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it
certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he trying
to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of
time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible
for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car,
the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he
firmly believes in them and has actually
seen them on at least two occasions. What
are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things
you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

[john gemmer]

Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
Denny, you've come up with a couple of great jokes. Thanks bud.
And John, nice chatting about chocolate with you.

any time I had to change the subject It was makeing me hungery

[DennyW]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,

"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost $500,000.

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy."
"How could a moped outrun an RX-7?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and darn, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes.
Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

[29Street-Rod]

Not exactly a joke but one of the funniest things I have seen in years, a great group of guys to call if you have have car trouble.

http://www.kastang.net/pictures/snowtowcar.wmv

[29Street-Rod]

Opps I forgot the one about the co-worker with that annoying habit of singing, shuts her up every time (at least temporarily).

http://members.aon.at/pcnet/lachen/stfu.htm